tanya

A total surrender

2006-11-30T10:28:00.000-08:00

It's been four months since I last wrote here..I think about the reasons as to why I havent been writing.

Well, the most obvious reason is that im having a difficulty with the net, since I am just on dial up, and I often end up getting impatient waiting for my pc to connect. Another reason is that I have began writing on my journal notebook for the past months. I found myself doing the old school again- of writing with a pen, flipping every page. It feels good to write again this way, when all these years, ive been so used to blogging. And so there it goes, i have chosen to do the old style once again, which answers the very question as to why I havent been writing here.

So here I am, trying it out for the first time in four months to blog. I take time to think about what to share here..and Ive chosen to write about what I have written in my notebook.

I must say that the past months have been the most crucial moments in my life. What I have gone through these months would forever be etched in my memory. It was during these moments that God enabled me to be so intimate with him, because He used such opportunity to work through me, through my character, exposing every aspect of it. Others going through such would hate it, but surprisingly, I loved every moment of it. I considered it joy to have gone through it.

Early this year, I challenged God to work through my character that I need to be molded in. I knew right there that it was being vulnerable that God wants to deal with me. All my life, i fear being vulnerable. I fear exposing my emotions, I fear expressing because Ive always thought that I was an unemotional person, too afraid to be involved in deeper relationships because I feared I would get hurt. A turtle hiding under his shell would be the best image to illustrate me. Though it was very difficult to ask this from God, that he works through my weakness, I still asked it from Him, because it is only in this way that I will mature and I will be prepared for whatever His plans are for me.

Months passed, until such time, I figured out God has been answering my prayers. I thought he would answer me through my career plans, but No, he didnt. He answered me in my relationships. True, there is no other aspect in my life that I would be most vulnerable, but only through my relationships.

I have always envisioned that I would be in a relationship after I finish my graduate studies. I have always prayed to God that he gives me my God's best, but I end up bargaining that he answers me after i finish my masterals. Funny prayer isn't it? I tell everyone that I trust God's timing, and yet, I end up dictating to God about the perfect timing. Such a foolish act. I have always thought that I have trusted Him with all aspects of my life. I was asking mysef, why is it so hard to surrender to God my love life? Why is it then so easy for me to surrender my career and other plans? Why?

Why? I went through months of processing as to why it was so hard for me to let go and let God work through such aspect of my life. Then and only then I finally admitted that it was because I am a planner which entails that my life in the coming years have already been planned out by ME not by God, but by Me. I tell God my own timing, because I am running away from my very weakness; of being vulnerable. That is the very reason why I keep on putting off the idea of being in a relationship. I was too afraid. Sadly, I wasnt trusting God wholeheartedly that he would walk with me through these fears.

As I processed such things in my life, I can't help but cry in gratefulness because God is reminding me that He wants to step past all my achievements because He wants nothing else but my Heart. He wants to step into the broken, messy places of my heart and begin his work there. He wants me to realize that I have been selfish all these years, not wanting to share the gift of love to others. He has brought me down on my knees and made me experience what it means to give Him nothing, but my Heart.

God chose to work in my unyielding and selfish heart. He used my quiet times as means of comfort and assurance that He will go before me and lead me. He gave me godly people- my pastor, my family, my friends to be His mouthpiece. He showed circumstances that will guide me and provide me direction. He gave his ears as he listened to my endless questions and doubts as to if I am really ready for a relationship, if I am truly equipped for it, if its really His perfect timing. He did not just listen, He gave me and placed his answers both in my heart, soul and mind.

Truly, the proverb, "God gives without sorrow" has been evident in this testimony of mine. I sought God many years ago as I gave him the pen to write my love story. I was in highschool back then. I began waiting. As I was waiting, I asked God to prepare me for my God's best. He prepared me in many ways that I can imagine- spiritually and emotionally. I waited some more. Finally, He answered me at the time that I least expected it. I never planned it. He answered me through a good friendship that I have with a person that I never imagined I would be with. He surprised me all along. He just gave. He gave at the right time, that we were both ready.

At this very moment, I am still overwhelmed as to how God has worked in me and through me. I am so much grateful because I have finally experienced what it means to totally surrender your heart to God. It is liberating. It makes me come alive. I am living life, finally. And Im praising God everyday for it.

To you who gets to read this, this story has not ended yet. God has just began writing my love story.

To you, who once like me has never been in a relationship, because you are still waiting for God's best, I challenge you to wait some more, and as you wait, fall in love with God first, make him your constant date each day, because He is still preparing your God's best as he is preparing you, now:)

To you who like me, is in a relationship for the first time, I must say that waiting on God's timing is the best choice. It may not be the most popular nor accepted choice, but I tell you, it is worth it.

*And oh by the way, I am already on DSL. So I guess, i will get to write more often here **

A big surprise...

2006-07-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

Just when I was randomly scanning my email, I was surprised to read this particular mail....

Dear Participant,
We have the pleasure to inform you that your essay has been rated by the juries as one of the 100 best in the International Essay Competition 2006.Congratulations!This year we have received as many as 1950 submissions from 136 countries all over the world. We congratulate you on your success and wish you all the best for the future!

Best regards,
Anna Kuznicka
Development Policy DialogueWorld Bank, External Affairs

A big surprise indeed! I never expected this. I was more than content that I was able to submit my essay last April. I was more than grateful that I was able to take part in this competition. More than the results, what I deeply value are the realizations that I have learned in the process of taking upon this challenge. Truly, the experience was worth it:)

To everyone who prayed for me, Thank you so much.

To God be the glory:)

Being still...

2006-07-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

Finally, here I am, infront of the computer, and writing again. Almost a month since I last wrote a heartfelt entry, many are asking me as to why I havent written again, well for the very reason that I havent really collected my thoughts on what particular experience I intend to write about. Too many experiences that words are not enough to really describe them.

Now, I write about one of the many experiences that have changed my perspective on life.

The past week was but a picture of me riding the rollercoaster. I have never really enjoyed rollercoasters ever since I was young. I dreaded it, I feared it. Ask me to accompany you to any ride and I will even gladly treat you, but ask me to ride the rollercoaster, you can never hear a single YES from me. Because of this, I have declined free tickets to 6 flags, California Adventure and Magic Mountain. Sad isnt' it? I let go of a great experience of thrill, risk and adventure, but yes, I was too scared during those times to behold such.

But last week was a sudden encounter, that I was brought into that "rollercoaster ride" again. A very very good friend left for the U.S to pursue her dreams. Although she has informed me that she has plans, but never did it cross my mind that it will be this soon. She informed me 3 days before her flight, such a short notice indeed. A part of me wanted to discourage her from leaving, but I realized that it was too selfish of me to do that. When months ago, I was even the first one encouraging her to pray for what she really desires, and now, here I am discouraging her. How can i do such, when good friends would want the best for each other....

Before I got to talk to her that night, I knew that I felt queer. I am not my usual self- the happy, the optimistic me. There was this huge thorn in my heart that I can't seem to let go of, no matter how many times I smile, no matter how many times I think of happy thoughts. Still, the overwhelming feeling is there, it doesnt want to go away. This isn't me, I told myself. Oftentimes, when I feel sad, it was easy for me to overcome it, but now, it's different. Is there something wrong in me, I asked.

During our last night together, not a tear fell from my eyes. I was just so happy to see a good friend pursue what she really wants. To hear her say, This is what I really want to do all my life cast out any fears in me as to whether she will be safe there. To hear our friends say, we can always email or chat, reminded me that no matter the distance, if it is really a genuine friendship, you can even be closer. As I hugged Bunny for the last time, I was deeply comforted that I will see her soon, very very soon and that nothing will ever change.

That night while in bed, tears began to fall from my eyes. I tried to wipe it off, but they just kept pouring. I was crying again, after a very long time. I have never cried this much over a friend, maybe because I have never really felt what it means to be left behind, or maybe because it is only now that I am able to truly acknowledge what I feel. Most of the time, I tell myself that I am okay, when in fact I am not. I try to cover up my true feelings because I want others to see how strong I am, but the irony is, strong individuals are those who show their weaknesses.

For the past 22 years of my life, I have never really experienced pain in its deepest sense. Weird isn't it?

I have come to a realization that the reason as to why I cannot be deeply attached to my emotions is because I am afraid to become vulnerable. I once thought that vulnerability is a sign of being weak, and so I go about with life trying to cover up what I truly feel. But it was during these months of stillness in God that I have realized that vulnerability is the "secret side of strength".

God has allowed various encounters in my life these past months -for reasons that Him alone can fully understand, he made me undergo these; to say goodbye to a dear friend, to take the challenges that come with a new job at hand, to share my deepest longings to people who are close to me, to listen to a struggling friend and to comfort a broken hearted individual. These are the priceless encounters that God has allowed me to behold, because I know he wants my heart more than anything. He wants to teach me a life-long lesson: that life isn't perfect after all-the path we take is not always smooth, there will alot of rough and bumps along the way. Why? Because if God made everything so perfect, so ideal, then we will not experience what it is to be truly human.

Through these circumstances, Jesus is indeed speaking to me. He is telling me, "Tanya, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. It is okay to show your weaknesses". Look at me, I cried out of anguish and despair, dying on the cross was a painful experience. I wouldnt want to feel that, but I want to let you know that you matter so much to me. That I am willing to die for you inspite of all the pain. But it was worth it."

Slowly, God is changing my perspective on life. I am used to living with ideals on my head but I am slowly being transformed by God to a wider perspective of life. He is teaching me to open my heart to life lessons-particularly the deeper and painful ones. He is winning my soul, in order that I will be more at home in His lovingkindness.

Thank you Lord. To you, I give my heart. :)

A little surprise..:)

2006-06-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

When I least expected it....I received an email stating this...

Dear Ms. Franco:
This is an automated e-mail to update you on the status of your evaluation. Your evaluation was mailed on June 06, 2006. It was sent via UPS.

Sincerely,
International Education Research Foundation (IERF)

Thank you to everyone who prayed for this. Ultimately, I give thanks to God for He has enlarged me in the process of waiting.

To those who are wondering if this means that I will be leaving anytime soon, the answer is NO...rather, not yet. This is just the beginning of many other things yet to be accomplished in order to pursue my masterals. A long way to go...I'm both excited and fearful but a part of me is more than excited to fulfill one of my hearts' desires:)

A little surprise, indeed. God can surprise you in moments you least expect it. He answers your prayers, may they be the ones you've prayed for months ago, or the ones you have beenpraying for all your life. What really counts more than the prayer that was answered is that you have become a trusting and patient person...a better you, truly:)

What makes me happy and joyful

2006-05-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

1. Waking up early in the morning

2. Eating oatmeal and bread during breakfast

3. Driving to anywhere

4. Driving alone

5. Driving with alot of passengers in the car

6. Foot spa

7. A good massage

8. A cup of tea

9. UCC-specifically at the Fort "Irashimayse"

10. Crepes and creme

11. Walking

12. Playing ultimate frisbee

13. Road trips

14. Checking emails

15. Uploading pics in my multiply site

16. Leaving comments in my friends' blog site and multiply site

17. Beach

18. Playing frisbee in the sand

19. Nurture Spa at Tagaytay

20. F-17 highschool barkada

21. Xaijua (college barkada)

22. Reading any kind of material-books, magazines, articles, research stuff

23. Reading on my bed with my lamp turned on

24. Good conversations

25. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf

26. Friends who texts me every once in awhile to just ask how I am doing

27.Driving for others

28. Chinese dimsum

29. Travelling to any island in the Philippines

30. Buying gifts

31. Writing on my journal

32. Updating my blog

33. Watching the sunset

34. Taking pictures

35. Having my picture taken hehehe

36. Arce Dairy buco sherbet

37. Going to midweek with friends

38. Going around the villages and checking out homes

39. Teaching children how to play sports

40. Storytelling

41. Coloring

42. Listening

43. Cheesecake

44. Receiving a phone call from close friends

45. Bible studies

46. Praying for people that I care for

47. Morning quiet time

48. Driving around U.P.

49. Talking to my relatives abroad

50. Looking through "My Pictures" album

51. gummiworms

52. gummibears

53. tamarind

54. smooth hands

55. hymnals

56. bossanova

57. jazz music

58. flipflops

59. sunbathing

60. long drives

61. Boracay

62. Banana boat

63. Guimaras island

64. Laluz

65.New Jersey

65. taking the path from New Jersery to New York

66. Travelling alone (well at times)

67. Travelling with family (well at times too hehehe)

68. snow globe

69. coffee jelly

70. buco pie

71. filipino delicacies

72. SUV vehicles

73. riding bumpcars

74. tabletennis

75. basketball

76. raindrops

77. wearing jackets

78. when i see trees meet midway along a pathway

79. UP Sunken garden

80. fishballs

81. fisball sauce

82. vegetables

83. fruits

84. yogourt

85. being on time

86. a full gas tank

87. pandecoco

88. taking balikbayans around Manila

89. Rome

90. posing infront of the Tower of Pisa

91. UNIV memories

92. blogging

93. taking pictures

94. studying in the library

95. Visiting Bookstores

95. Visiting recordbars

96. treating others to free meals

97. saying corny hirits and jokes

98. making other people laugh

99. walking by the shore

100.Bellflower, California

101.Old Pasadena

102. Sharing the gospel to others

103. being mentored

104. counselling others

105. being counselled

106. being prayed for

107. fellowship

108. discipleship groups

109. videoke

110. Making gourmet sandwiches

111. Santi's deli store

112. Halo-halo

113. composing

114. teaching kids

115. writing

116. smiling

The joy of waiting

2006-05-09T01:24:00.000-07:00

Not everyone likes waiting in line. Many of which would easily complain when five minutes have passed and still, no one has even moved.

Not everyone likes being stuck in traffic. It is no joke to be seated for thirty minutes or so, wiping the heat off your face, looking every second to your watch, wishing that somehow you have left the house a minute earlier.

Not everyone likes waiting for someone. Many of us are guilty of this. When the meeting is set for 3:00, we leave the house at 3:00. And when our dear friend calls us and asks where we are, we simply say, "Oh, Sorry, I'm still on my way". And yes, our dear friend cannot do anything but wait some more, spend another few bucks for coffee just so she/he will not be accused of loitering in that coffee shop.

Waiting is one of the hardest things to do especially for individuals who have grown accustomed to a very busy life. It is like feeding a vegetarian with bread, he knows for a fact tha he needs bread, it is good food, yet it would take him such a long time to discern if he is ready to take that staple food back to his system. Simply put, a very busy person who is so used to a life of tasks and service, when asked to pause for awhile, would bargain to the point of questioning, if he really needs time for rest. A basic question that requires the simplest answers, but to others, it is one of life's hardest questions to answer.

I see myself in this illustration.Growing up, I've been exposed to various activities, both school and extra-curricular ones. It was through these opportunities that I have discovered my God given gifts and I have met wonderful people who have given me all the encouragement I need in my chosen endeavors.

Highschool, College, and work life. Through these experiences, The various encounters that I have experienced made mre realize the things that I desire. Training and Teaching, Serving and Ministering. Four words that tell alot about my passions in life. Four words that describe what I have been doing for the past 22 years.

With these passions, I was able to challenge myself to things that I have never done before in my life. It was indeed a joyous experience to do something that makes your heart leap all the time.
But it was this year that God made me realize something...

That somehow, amidst all the busyness, there are instances when you overlook the real purpose of why you are doing things. We do at times confuse the hands with our hearts. I was talking to our bible study leader one night, He asked me, "Tanya, when you do something, are you doing it with your heart or is it purely with your hands?". I asked him back, "Bro, Can you explain it to me thoroughly?". He then said, "When you give your hands, that is is service. You use the gifts that you know you are good at. But when you use your heart, it is giving your whole self without any pretense, it is doing what you really long to do. It is not doing something as a mere cover up for your deepest longings. ". He ended by asking, "Tanya, you think about it deeply. then you share it to me". I knew from that moment, that God has used such godly person to make me realize deeper issues in my life.

I have not been this so intimate with God. My intimacy before hails from issues that I believe are very trivial. I believe that my time is now, to fully realize the meaning of Trust and Patience. Yes, in the past I have trusted God and waited patiently for things that I believe are way simpler than compared to what I am praying for now. Years ago, I was waiting for God's plans as to whether I will pass a test or not, or whether an organization event will push through or not. Simple things, indeed. But now, I have learned that as I grow older, I am being more exposed to the reality of life, to the deeper issues that go with it.

It is only now that I have truly experienced intimacy with God to the nth level. God has used my situation now to make me see that it is only Him that I need. That all my aspirations, needs, wants and desires are according to His will and not mine.

Everyday, I hear the Lord telling me, "Tanya, one at a time. Let's do one thing slowly. Your work now may be different from what you have been doing before. Or your life now has allowed you to sleep more than 4 hours each day. And you have learned to focus on things you should have been focusing on yet were too busy. Hear me out on this. I am with you, my child. Trust me." I always assure myself that yes, though I may not know God's purpose in all of these, but I hold unto his promise that He has the best things kept for his children.

For someone like me, who has been used to a very busy lifestyle. School, Work, Social Life, Fellowship and Ministry, when subjected to a life that is robbed off such demands, is but a pictue of someone being left alone in a desert. For others, it could be a lonely journey towards the source of water. But for me, I see it differently.

I see God's hand upon this journey of mine. Though it may be tiresome at times to just be waiting, still deep in my heart, there is this peace that transcends all misunderstandings and doubts. That though I still do not know how soon the evaluation of my documents for masterals abroad will be deliverd to me, and that though I am still trying to adjust to a life of a research assistant and that though I miss teaching preschool so badly...Still, deep in my heart I know that God has something better waiting for me...and that He will never leave me.

The picture of being stuck in the desert and in the crossroads, not knowing where to go, never entered my mind. Instead, I have this picture of a stream of living water flowing into this vast land, where I am trekking each day, discovering each step that leads to the promised land that God has set forth for me.

This is waiting. No uncertainites, No worries. Just pure joy:)

The results are out..

2006-05-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

Finalists have been selected! Nicola Limodio, Italy; Geoffrey See, Singapore; Cauam Ferreira Cardoso, Brazil; Sarita Bahety, Nepal; Jefferson Agbai, Ghana; Ankai Xu, China; Mansour Hamza, France (national of Niger). One more finalist will be announced on May 5. Congratulations

Still, I am the most grateful person even if I did not bag this contest. A good friend of mine told me, "Tanya, may 1 pang finalist to be announced. sana ikaw yun". I told her: "Hmm...sana nga, but it doesnt matter to me at all. The experience in itself is the best prize I have received".

Again, Thank you to all those who prayed for me and who supported me with this endeavor of mine:)

Thank you God because you have allowed me to use your gifts for your glory, and more importantly, you have made me the most trusting person ever:)

Patience....Patience...

2006-05-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

I just checked the website, expecting that the results for the essay competition that I joined will be posted already.

But to my surprise, this was posted:

May 1, 2006. The juries are still working on the selection of finalists. Results will be announced on May 3. Thank you for your patience!

Patience is indeed a virtue...My friend asked me if i was anxious about knowing the results. I answered and said, not at all. I'm still happy with whatever the results will be. Because I am just after the experience. It is really the process that matters after all.

:) 2 more days to go...hehe lets wait and see.

A life with a purpose

2006-04-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

Finally, after weeks of discerning as to whether I will join this upcoming contest or not, I finally decided that I will...at 2:00 in the morning.

It was a typical weekday. I just arrived from the preschool, and as part of my routine, I would check my email and then read through the messages. But something was different during that day. I got an email from The National Youth Commission, informing me about the World Bank International Essay Writing Competition. My eyes brightened up. I read through the email not just once, but more than three times. I knew in my heart that among the many writing competitions that I have read about , it was only this that really caught my attention. Why? Well for many reasons.

First, it targeted the youth. Participants were asked to write about their experience with community work and solving community problems. While reading, I felt the same feeling I had a year ago, when I passed through one of the offices in UP and chanced upon a poster from the National Youth Comission.

It was a call to youth organizations to participate in the Ten Most Outstanding Youth Organization in the Philippines. I didnt think twice about it. I got a form for our organization, (UP Family Life and Child Development Circle), who was then working on our Touch A life Program in a poverty-stricken community in Marikina. I filled out so fast and hurried back to our tambayan. I was so excited to the point that I wanted to even get the poster, so the whole organization can actually pray for it. The rest is history. We were able to be part of the screening finalists then down to the top 20. Although, we werent able to make it to the top 10, still what mattered most to us was the experience we had in that community empowerment project.
Going back, when I read through the email, I knew that it was the same feeling Ive had when I first saw the poster. Not that I rely heavily on insticts or vibes, it's just that I was too overjoyed not with the prize money but with the thought of actually sharing such a wonderful experience to others. I then printed out the form, and then placed the requirements on my desk. I became so busy with work that I totally forgot that I have an essay to submit. Two weeks passed by, then a week to go before April 2. (It was the said deadline for the essay)

Three days prior to April 2, I went through the requirements. I prayed hard to God about it. I said, "Lord, I cannot seem to find any inspiration now, but I know in my heart that I really want to join this contest. Help me that I will join this for the right reasons. Help me not to feel any pressure at all. Help me to do this because I love to write and because I love my organization. This is for you, Lord." After that, I began writing a draft of my essay. Then I arranged a phone interview with my professor (who is the best in the field of community work and family life) and she was very much willing to help me inspite of her busy schedule. But the struggle did not end there.

I was quite distracted with so many things this week. Friends coming over to our new house, Gimiks with Family and Relatives and ofcourse, the comfort that this new home brings to me is just so overwhelming. I could just stay in the house all day, fix my things, help in arranging the furnitures and never get tired doing it. This home has become such a blessing to us and to other people as well who have sought refuge and relaxation here. (at times, i even think that others have made this as their own hideaway heheh) Again, I was enjoying this too much that I again, left my essay pending.
It was only Saturday evening, when I decided that I should pursue this. There is no harm in actually trying, but what really motivated me was the experience of leading an organization and a community for a year. It has really made me a better person. For someone like me who has always seen herself as a follower, the turning point was when I took upon the role of leading an organization on my last year in college. I never knew what was God's plan back then why he allowed me to lead 15 or more members. Right now, I knew his very purpose. It was for me to realize what servant leadership was all about.:)

From 2:00 am to 7:00 am, I was in front of the computer. Writing my essay. At 7:30 am, I clicked the " Submit essay" button in the world bank's website. Then I smiled. And gave a sigh of relief, "Praise God!".

For those who want to read my essay, Just message me here. I would love to share to you my experience.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me. Please continue to pray..

The results will be released by May 1. whether I win or not, It wouldnt matter because as what my friend has told me, "You already won in life by giving a part of your heart to others..."
To God be the Glory!

Wait...and wait some more..

2006-03-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

Last night, I've had the opportunity to finally see again my DG group (DG-discipleship group) after several months of not being in touch with each other. The last time we saw each other was during my graduation party. I wouldnt know why it took us this long to meet up again, well for one, our discipleship leader (Ate emmylou) was on leave so there was no one to really initiate our meeting since she was the always one who texts us for regular bible study sessions. Then, next was me, I was too preoccupied with other things that I didnt find time to visit my christian organization during weekdays or even Friday nights for their weekly fellowships. It's really quite difficult when your workplace is near your home and going to Katipunan seemed to be out of the way. But hey, that was the past. I'm glad we had our reunion last night.

Joy. Sincerity. Transparency. Sisterhood. Four words that would define the bond that we have in our group. We have seen each other grow in our walk with God since our freshmen year in UP, we have been together through various out of town mission trips and we have shared immeasurable amounts of counselling and quality time. All of these in the name of our love for each other and most of all, God's abounding love for each one of us.

I am really very grateful for my DG group. If not for them, I wouldnt be reminded of certain details in my life that I should not overlook. If not for them, I wouldnt see the value of prayer and encouragement. If not for them, I wouldnt realize that I am not alone in this journey and that they are too travellers in this world.

I am as excited of what is in store for us in the coming years. From what we have poured our hearts to last night, I am just in awe on how God is working in our lives- may it be plans for our career, studies, love life and ministry, indeed God is making sure that He will uphold us and take good care of each one us, no matter the cost is.

Again, Thank you girls: Ate emmylou, Rachel, Flo, Betho, Janna, Frances and Nani (we hope Nani can join us next time). I 'll be seeing you on the 17th.
Here's the verse that Ate emmylou reminded us of last night..
Psalm 130:5-7
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits..and in his word I put my hope..
My soul waits for the Lord, more than the watchment wait for the morning...
more than the watchmen wait for the morning..

for the longest time...finally!

2006-02-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

It took me months before I could finally write here again...for certain reasons and yes, some.

I've always found solitude in writing. here I can very well express myself especially at times when I just want to retreat and spend time alone. There are those instances when you want to just put a stop to all the things that you have been doing and find yourself again. Is becoming too busy robbing me from listening to my heart and to what God is trying to tell me?

Yes, for the past weeks I've found myself becoming too preoccupied with other things- work, gimmicks, work, gimmicks.. That though I know these are some of the things I enjoy doing and find joy at, Still I knew that something was amiss, that somehow I knew I was missing out something..

That even though the things that have been occupying my time were also a venue for me to minister to others and to bring them closer to God, I also realized that I have become too self-sacrificing that somehow I am losing a part of myself, because I was giving too much to others.

I am always reminded about this line from the book, Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho (a gift that was given to me by a really good friend), the line goes..."There is however, one word-another small word-that many people have great difficulty in saying: no. Someone who never says "no", thinks of himself as generous..because "no" is though of as being nasty, selfish and unspiritual" ..The warrior does not fall into this trap. There are times, when in saying "no" to others, he is actually saying "yes" to himself"...

Reading this over and over again reminds me how important it is to value myself. It means giving myself time to rest and to pause and in so doing, I am in touch with myself and more importantly, it is here I get to really focus and listen to what God is telling me.

I am at awe everytime I am awakened by such realizations. These past days, I cant help but just smile because I know that God has slowly brought me back to my senses. He has made me realize that no other thing can replace His utmost love for me. I tried to look for other means to find solace at- comfort of a good home, relaxing infront of the television, company of friends, family, a good conversation and even work, yet I failed.

The more I looked at those things as my way to cover up the deepest longings of my heart, the more I grew weary. The more I tried to misplace my trust, The more my heart wandered away from the Ultimate Giver.

I thank God whenever I look back at the past weeks, of how my heart has grown restless because of how I let impatience and control set in. I saw how I tried to cover up my longings and found refuge on transient things. I knew it was a part of me, wanting to take the steering wheel away from God, and pushing him to the passenger's seat. I thank Him because He has made me realize -that I knew what I should be doing all along, but was too stubborn to do so. I thank Him for his undying patience to take me back into his loving arms and to secure me with his unfailing goodness.

Now, as I face each day with a renewed spirit. I have kept in my heart God's promise, that the more I seek Him with all my heart, the more He will seek me with all His heart.

Now I see my life in a totally new perspective and that every day, I am reminded to completely trust Him alone with my present and future plans. I hold unto the thought that whatever I am waiting for- may it be a career, a partner in life; that the more I wait, the more I get to be enlarged in the process..

I am currently reading: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

I am currently listening: my ipod with a smorgasboard of songs, a bulk of which are oldies songs

I am currently enjoying: frisbee, eating oatmeal and my cycling sessions

What makes me feel good...

2006-02-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

1.Waking up in the wee hours of the morning.
2. Listening to my jazz cds
3. Walking in all of its forms and for all its various reasons. (walking on my way to work; walking around the oval to destress myself after a long day in the preschool, or walking while talking to a dear friend)
4. Writing on my blog
5. Reading
6. Christmas lights lit
7. The grass becoming greener each day
8. Leaves falling from the tree..and the season of Fall
9. Raindrops falling and the sound that it makes
10. A car-less road
11. Going around U.P and reminiscing on good old days
12. Driving to anywhere and with anyone
13. A backpacking trip to any of the 7,100 plus islands in the Philippines
14. Traveling to the other parts of the world.
15. Updating my miles in my PAL Frequent Flyer card
16. Guimaras Island
17. Boracay
18. New Jersey and the people there that I've grown close to..
19. Bellflower California and my relatives that has welcomed me with open arms..
20. Orange County and Yosemite: Reminds me of spontaneous trips with Coco( she's my busmate since gradeschool hehe)
21. A cup of tea
22. Eastwood city walk. There is this one particular area that I particularly like. The middle section where coffee bean and starbucks meet. I like the layout and how laid back it is. I could hang out all day here.
23. Malling in Shangrila, Greenbelt and Rockwell. Malling has never been relaxing when done in these malls.
24. Gourmet food
25. Road trips to Tagaytay, Batangas and Baguio
26. The Beach
27. Driving lessons in the Fort- teaching my friends learn how to drive in this area has been really really fun:)
28. Waking up and realizing there is no work for today, since it is Saturday Morning
29. Spending time alone in prayer and in devotion
30. Being with my Discipleship Group
31. Seeing and spending time with old friends
32. Good conversations
33. Hanging out with my cousins
34. My Highschool Barkada (F-17)
35. Hanging out every Tuesdays with the Tuesday Club
36. Family time- especially eating lunch with my family after church
37. Bible studies
38. Watching my favorite shows- The Monk, Desperate Housewives, CSI Las Vegas and Date line
39. Relaxing while listening to my ipod
...to be continued..

yes or no..

2006-01-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

Just a few hours ago, I got home from a dinner, at Seoul Seoul, a Korean restaurant in Libis. I remember eating in that restaurant five years ago during my senior high school graduation and when my good friend asked if it would be okay that we eat there, I instantly said yes. I havent eaten anything korean for months and I'm glad I said yes.

My good friend, who happens to be our directress in the preschool where I'm working at, asked if we can have dinner this week because she will ask me very personal questions. Exhausted and sleepy, I read her message and literally, my eyes grew big, i suddenly felt a lump on my throat...Very personal questions? What does that mean? Did I do something wrong? was it about my performance, my work attitude, my life? I was so bothered that my eagerness for a Friday night out that afternoon was suddenly replaced with anxiety. It's not everyday that someone would text you such things, right?

I asked my close friends what they thought about such statement and unanimously they said that it must be about my plans for the coming year or if not, she might want to seek your advice about her spiritual life. I also thought of the same thing since our last conversation was about seeking God's will in our future plans and how she asked me, how does one pray?

That night, I prayed to God; I asked that He readies my heart with whatever she would tell me. I then realized that if there is nothing to hide, why would I be afraid of anything. I held unto this while I awaited for tonight's dinner.

True enough, God has really prepared me. I came to that dinner with an open mind and heart. I knew the moment she began telling me about her plans, I instantly figured out that it was about work. She goes, Grabe noh, hanggang ngayon gabi we still talk about work..sorry ah!
I said, its okay, though I have always prefered not to talk about work with someone I work with..it can be very toxic to talk about the same things from morning till evening.

She asked: Does your decision to study still remain? Maybe you might want to still stay?
Tanya: (smiles and looks down) I've been praying about it. I've been delaying it actually. For some time, I didnt want to think about it because I was fearful to try something new. It was only late last year that I started praying for it again and slowly God has been telling me to go where my heart would be at peace. I got confirmation from people that I regularly seek advice and they all said, Go for it! Deep in my heart I know that there is peace, though it will be hard, but I know that this is something that I want.
She said: Go...you spread your wings...alam ko na baka hindi ka na namen mapilit pa eh...
Tanya: Its hard actually..to leave the people Im close to...its hard...but then i can always see them, during gimicks or weekends..
Let see...how things will turn out..if God really wills for my masterals...or if not..lets see..

We were having so much fun, enjoying the sumptous korean meals that we lost track of time. We had to leave right away since she still has a movie to watch, while me, I was so tired that I cant wait to get home and sleep.

While I was driving home, It was only during that time that I realized that while I was talking to her, I have this certain conviction when I told her of my other plans. It's actually difficult to hear her out while she was trying to tell me about how the school will run next year and how my close friends would stay and still teach there. It pains my heart that I might be the only one who is sure not to be in her team of teachers for next year, and what hurts me the most is the fact that I will be missing each of them.

But then when I try to weigh the decision that I've made, I know that somehow there is peace in my heart. The joy of actually trying out other things, of something new, of going beyond my comfort zone, of challenging myself, reminds me of the desires that I have been praying for. I know that deep within, I am looking forward to this.

I'm down to the last two months of being the Nursery Teacher. I can choose to distance myself from the people at work, or I can choose to savor every moment that I have with them. I choose the latter one.

Sometimes its hard to really understand what God has put me into, Yes, I enjoy my work now but when I stop and think about being the best in everything for God, I realize that I should never be contented with this, meaning I should find ways to improve myself, to exhaust more for the greater glory of God.

I will never forget what my good friend/directress told me that night, Tanya, your world is too big.
Tanya: huh? I didnt get it? You meant that in a negative way?
She said: No. I mean, you are meant for something big. Your world is big and that you are such an accepting person thatyou would want to embrace what this big world has for you. That no matter how big this world is, you will always find the good in it..:)
This is something that I will bring with me as I spread my wings and fulfill my heart's desires.

I pray that as the months progress, the Lord will truly prepare my heart for what his plans are for me. I am keeping still....
I echo the words of David in his Psalm,
I will not offer Him anything that will cost me nothing... Yes Lord, Whatever it takes for your glory though it will challenge me in everyway...I trust you!

Patience is indeed, a virtue

2006-01-12T01:13:00.001-08:00

I write now, hours after my patience was really put into a test.
I've mentioned in my previous blog that my second nursery class has been really hyper these days, but their hyper-activity has never really challenged me, not until this afternoon.
Two of my students were really restless and quite violent awhile ago, well, they've always been extra naughty since I began handling them, but I would always get to talk to them and settle things with them. This afternoon, it seems like they didnt mind what I was telling them, it also seems like they were really testing to how long I could hold unto my patience..

The worst thing about it was that the other kids were imitating them too, some didnt mind that I was there in front of them, while only a few bothered to listen. Well, it's really one of those days that a teacher like me would really have to go through at least once in her teaching career..
Before I said goodbye to them, I told them, kids, i do not think you are listening to me anymore. Do you want that I leave now and say goodbye and you will not see me anymore? I will just tell yaya julie to teach you. Would u want that? no more teacher tanya?... I was trying my best to psyche, testing them as well if my presence really mattered to them at all...
They answered, No teacher..We dont want to see you go...
Awwh...my heart melted..i wanted to break down and cry..when I heard them say that...It means that at least, just at least in some way, I mattered to them and that they know that I care deeply for them....

After my class, my co-teacher Joy, talked to me and asked, Gosh tanya ang haba ng pisi mo..grabe ka.. then she came running to the other teachers telling them of what just happened in my class, of how hyper they've been to the extremes...

True, patience is a virtue and its really one of the qualities that I am thankful that God has gifted me with. I believe that it was only through God's grace that I am as this patient. No wonder I dont mind being stuck in traffic, or waiting when a friend is late during a meeting or even listening when a friend rants about her life and other silly issues. The daily experiences I have which always puts my patience to a test are then transcended into a deeper level, specifically, awaiting God's perfect plan for me in my life- whether I await His plans for my career, or even when my God's best will finally come along..

Today's incidence really made me see how I have changed through the years, more importantly how God has transformed me to become mor elike him each day..I must say that everyday, it is a process of being awakened to your senses, to be renewed daily into a woman whose character is a lady worth pursuing.:)

I am currently listening to: BossaNova Cd, (this cd really calms me...:)

I am currently reading: The warrior of light, Strong women soft hearts, boy meets girl, women on a journey

I am currently: Drinking my favorite cup of tea: Twinings apple cinnamon and raisin tea.. it's really really good:) yummy try it

Patience is indeed, a virtue

2006-01-12T01:13:00.000-08:00

a greater challenge...

2006-01-10T05:58:00.000-08:00

Ever since work began last wednesday, I've noticed myself really looking forward to mornings, wherein Id wake up early and get myself ready to work. I think my attitude towards work comes with the new year ushering new resolutions and new hopes. This new year, I would want to change my work habits-in terms of coming to school earlier than usual and finishing my tasks ahead of time. The passion to work with kids and to experience each new day with them is still there- and I believe its escalating to greater heights, wherein there is simple and pure joy that I feel everytime I go to work. It's actually hard to explain, but there is this certain sense of excellence that I would want to put all the time, its a virtue that I have hold unto since I was a kid.:)

Just last monday, I felt quite queer as I wasnt that enthusiastic in finishing my tasks for work. Maybe it must be the weather or the thought that summer is about to come. Then, I had to re-do a portion of our assessment for my other class since most of them needs to be reassessed since their skills during the asssessment aren't consistent with their daily performance.. our directress decided to re-do it, which means added work for this week.

I never had problems in terms of work load, in fact, I would even find it joy whenever a lot of tasks are assigned to me. I guess, I ve been accustomed to having tons of work to do way back in college, and that now at work, whenever tasks are given to me, I see them as a challenge and not a burden. That is why, when I was told that I had to do the assessment again, I didnt complain at all, even if I felt that there was no use to re-do it again, still I had to comply with the standards of the school and what our boss had decided.

The burden that I have now is more out of physical exhaustion. My 2nd class has really been extra hyper these days and it just pains me that I do not have much energy and at times, patience for them. What do I do about it?

I am more challenged with this. The more I have learned that patience is indeed a virtue and that the more I learn new things from other people, the more I realize that there are many things that I have yet to learn and to discover and to master.

I may be physically tired, and emotionally tired too, but then I hold unto the promise that God is the only one who can be my source of strength.

Two arms stretched outright...

2005-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

Remember the story of the Prodigal son? I am always moved everytime I remember the scene when the father hugs his son tightly and takes him back inspite of everything..

These past days, I feel like the "father" in the various situations that God has put me into. I have close friends who come up to me and tell me their struggles , and it overwhelms me that they wholeheartedly entrust to me their struggles in life and during these encounters, I know that I see life now in a deeper perspective as compared to before. More importantly, I have began to understand fully what "acceptance" truly means.

Just like the father who accepts his son unconditionally, I have learned that people are really different from each other. Others will react lightly in one situation while others will react strongly. It comes from the fact that individuals have varying temperaments-some are moody, others indifferent while some, patient. There are also individuals who are straight-forward, others who are passive and some- who fold right away..Why did I say such? In the past months, I have encoutered individuals who fall into each of this category and I also think that I have at least experienced what it means to be each personality at one point in my life.

I am grateful that I was able to experience dealing with people of varying personalities. Imagine life with only one type of personality? Yes, it would be very very dull.. Although I find it stressful to be dealing with moody and unpredictable individuals at work, still I am thankful because it becomes a real test of my patience. Slowly the Lord is allowing me to accept people like them, who are very much different from me, and with the friends that I have. It is really a challenge to accept people who are not so lovable and likeable, yet whenever I think about Christ on the cross, with his arms outstreched which reminds me of the gravity of the love that he has for everyone, not just for a set of individuals, I tremble...

It is also a challenge as well to accept people inspite of the little mistakes that they make. It becomes a step further when you learn to accept people who have made decisions that you think are questionable. It becomes even more striking when you accept people even if they have hurt you and when you have accepted the though of forgiving them inspite of..

Who am I to not accept others?

The Lord has been trying to tell me alot with the encounters that I have with my close friends. It's not really them who is seeking my listening ears only, but it can be the other way around. The moment when I begin listening, it is when God beings to open my heart to issues that I might be dealing with in the near future, it is when God begins to ready myself to situations that I may be put in, it is actually God's own little way of preparing me to the real journey as a woman..

Thank you God for letting me see these things.
Thank you for making me experience these because it is only through these things
that I will draw closer to you and become more like you each day.
Thank you.

tired..yet happy..

2005-12-20T08:09:00.000-08:00

I've been noticing my eyes getting tired since last week, I have a huge guess and its all due to stress and lack of sleep. Since last week, ive been only getting 3-5 hours of sleep, blame it on the holiday rush but inspite of the lack of sleep and tiredness, it was all worth it.

Friday night, we had our teachers' and staff christmas party celebrated in our school. Food was overflowing, but what I looked forward to was the videoke session.
I received the cd that i was eyeeing, it was the bossa nova cd that i placed in my wish list, and surprisingly, our directress picked my name and she chose that gift for me. I was hoping that i will get the season 2 of desperate housewives, but it was really hard to find one she said, but then she promised that she'll look for it and that would be her bday gift for me. Wow:)

We literally hoarded the videoke mic, singing to the tunes from 70's to the 90's. There we found ourselves dancing La Bamba, Bilie Jean, Quit Playing Games with My hearts...the other guests were actually wondering if it were really the teachers they were seeing..hahah...it was unusual for them to see us dance and sing as if there was no tomorrow...
that's how we transform once we see a videoke machine.. (special mention to my coteachers: love and joy...my fellow do-re-mi girls..hahah..if you watch Filipino flicks, you would understand what do-re-mi means...)

After intense moments with the magic mic, we headed to starbucks and laughed our hearts out listening to patty's husband share his own stories of how teaching in a big school can be really be a thorn in the flesh yet still can be really fun.

Saturday: I had the opporunity to bond with old friends. The four of us- Me, May, Omar and Pastor Caleb had lunch at Teriyaki boy in gateway. It was a great time for fellowship and a good way to relax too amidst all the stress from work. We're planning another gimick by next week- either Ek or videoke.yey:)

Sunday night: spend the whole night with my hs barkada. Even if Tish and Mon are so far away, and even if Liz, Nay, Kim, and Deen werent able to come, still we had a wonderful time. I really miss all of them, nothing beats the fun, and bond that our barkda share..it something that only us can really understand, that's what makes us so extreme hahah

This is getting too long...hehe i'll post again...later...hehehe:)
But yes, i am enjoyiing my vacation. super enjoy:)

finding time...

2005-12-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

Finally, i found the time to seriously write in my blog..
After a very stressful week, it was only now that my mind has been cleared from all the work that needs to be done.

I am grateful that I was able to finish the things needed for my preschool class this week-
let me write them all down, just to give you a picture of the stress that I underwent this week.

During a meeting last Tuesday,
Boss: Teachers, you need to submit the following:
Tanya here is what you need to do:
1) I am assigning you the Tumana Outreach. Yun nalang ang task mo, i dont want to give you other things pa..
2) Can you submit your assessment sheets/exams tomorrow?
Boss: Kaya mo pa ba?
Tanya: Oo kaya yan...(eyebrows crossed..scratches head..breathes deeply and smiles)

Two tasks only you might say? But the first one alone can really challenge an individual's patience. You see, our preschool has decided to put a twist into our usual Christmas party. The past years have been spent for party with the kids and their own families, but this year would be more meaningful. We are inviting kids from the Tumana Saturday preschool program (a program that my former organization UP FLCD Circle pioneered.) Inviting them is no-joke. You need to go to the community, make arrangements with the block heads so they can announce that the 55 enrollees need to be present on the day of the party. Then making arrangements with the barangay is another thing. Amidst all of these, the thought of not being able to come up with the expected number of kids haunts me...what if we dont reach the maximum number? what if no kids appear on that day? how will our party turn out?
worries..endless worries...

I found myself thinking of such things..when I was ranting to our directress, these worries, she told me to be optimistic. Then while I was telling a good friend about how worried I am about this tumana event, he goes and say, Ikaw pa..kaya mo kaya yan....They are both right.. I've done this for a whole year, and yet here I am questioning if I can do it, and worst, if God can help me with it...

I can only think of one reason why I feel this way...Probably, it has been a semester since I last planned a huge event. Leading a team was one thing that I havent done for a semester...and it seems like everything was something new for me again..To think that I was leading an organization during my last year in UP. The thought of actually working for an event scares me yet it challenges me...

Again, the Lord reminded me last Saturday that all I need to do is to let Him be in control of things. It was a big surprise that the people that I needed to talk to regarding this event were all present during the party. God can indeed surprise you at times. There, I was able to talk to the Kapitan, to the leaders and to the parents as well. All in a span of minutes. There I was smiling. Thank you God. You taught me something here..

Honestly..i miss doing these things..
of feeling anxious about the turn out of events...yet you know deep in your heart, God is there to help you.
of organizing the details of an event and trying to remember the littlest details that need to be done
of working with a community and helping them in your simple way...
of leading and inspiring others...
of feeling tired after everything and yet you get to smile because you love what you are doing..

This is what I've been missing since i began working..
And it makes me wonder when will i ever get to do this again..

Going back...I visited Tumana last Saturday for my former org's christmas party for the kids. I am so much happy to see the org that I left behind and seeing them again after several months, reminds me of what my life used to be 6 months ago.. There I was watching them handle an event, and I breathe a sigh of relief, out of pure joy...that somehow we did well in training them for such projects...
and I felt all the more happy that what was a non-existent project has blossomed into something productive...
seeing the kids grow and learn alot from this program has inspired me to do projects like these in the coming years..
seeing how the program has become after my last month in the organization gives me a heart that is contented and grateful..

This is the reason why I love passing by tumana. Everytime I would pass that community, I would look back at that small chapel where everything started.. and I breathe a sigh of gratefulnes because at least once in my life I was of help to children who really need good education...
and that once in my life, I can proudly say, I gave something back to my community..

This is where my heart leaps and finds joy..This is one thing that I will never stop doing..
And I pray, Lord is this what you want me to do next year?

I am currently praying for: This Friday's Christmas party, that all of the Tumana kids will be present for the program. That all our planned activities for Friday will be ironed out and well-executed.

I am looking forward to: the gifts that I will be receiving from our kris kringle and the gifts that I will be giving for our kris kringle

being more cultured...in the other side of the music world..

2005-12-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

Tanya, ayan..it's good thing that you are listening to these type of songs...At least mas magiging cultured ka na... uttered my ate. While driving from Megamall to Metrowalk last night, I requested that my ate play the songs of Elle and Sebastian...and then she shuffles through her ipod and plays the rest of indie songs...
Well, thanks to her, my parents and some friends, who have introduced to me to another side of the music world-which ive shut myself to; a long time ago.

Ive always been a jazz enthusiast, always wanting to listen to mellow and relaxing songs. Although i' enjoy listening to acoustic and rnb songs, still I go for the music that is rather soothing..

It's true that growing up, my sister and i was exposed to the music that my parents love- beach boys, beatles, cascades-yes, music of the 60's and 70's. They would always play that in the car and even at home.

I never really complained whenever they would play that . Ive very much grateful that we were exposed to such type of songs and it usually becomes a topic whenever I get to converse with older people. They are often fascinated on how I came to see beachboys concert last october, and how I know all of those bands that existed even before I was born.

Some of my friends cannot even understand why suddenly I have grown to love this type of music...For sure when I tell them that I watched Bloomfields last night with my family, they would burst into laughter. I care less.. hehe

I enjoyed watching bloomfields last night. I am slowly appreciating Beachboys and Beatles all the more. I realized that a jazz enthusiast like me should be more open to other types of music..although I still think that once a jazz enthusiast, always a jazz enthusiast....hehehe

I am not really in the mood to write about my recent experiences..but yes, there is alot to tell and to share...But I guess i'm just too tired to even write about them...Maybe where there is more time and when i'm in the mood...heheh:)

Three is never a crowd

2005-11-25T20:22:00.000-08:00

I finally met up with my travel buddies, Lois and Jaymee. After several attemps for gimiks, it was only yesterday that we finally pushed through. Our original plan was to meet up from 4 to 6 pm, but since Jaymee can stay later than 6, we met on a later time, it was around 5 pm I think.

I was in a hurry to get there by 430, since I would be coming from seaside in ortigas. My co teachers treated me out for lunch, a birthday treat which was long overdue. We had to go to the nearby market, to purchase the seafoods that we were craving for. We bought prawns and crab. Then we went to the Squared Ihaw-ihaw Restaurant, wherein we had the items we marketed cooked. (Thanks to Joy, who is an expert when it comes to eating at dampa). We had a variety of meals- buttered shrimp, sinigang na hipon, chili crab and calamares.. It was the best lunch I've had this week- to think, the five of us, all girls finished eating after 20 minutes. Good thing there were no other people in the restaurant.

I had to excuse myself since I wanted to use my hands when eating seafoods. Nainggit ata ang mga coteachers ko, and they began eating with their bare hands. Nagpakatootoo na ko, hindi madali kumain ng crab at shrimp kapag di gamit ang kamay. Since we were so full, I suggested that we get ice monster desserts, and so I treated them out there. Our boss commented, baka mas mahal pa ang libre ni tanya kaysa sa libre naten. I didnt mind, though it was true, but i was really grateful and touched with such a fun treat for me.

They rode all in one car, while I had to leave for Eastwood. I was spraying cologne all over my body, since I smelled seafoods, and I dont want my travel buddies to make fun of me when they sense that someone smells like the beach. hahah.

I've never stayed in starbucks for more than two hours in my entire life, and it was only yesterday that I was there for a record-breaking time of five hours. I would usually sit there, grab a cup of tea and go for a chat that often ends for one hour. Never in my life would i stay that long in a coffee shop. But there willl always be your firsts and yesterday was the first time.

The very reason that motivated me to stay that long was not because I am a tea-lover, but it would have to be the people that I was with. Two of my closests friends in college, Jaymee and Lois. The three of us have gone through alot- when I say, alot, it utterly means through the joys and sorrow, through the ups and downs of life. Let me give you a short background of how this unique friendship began..

It all started when Jaymee(the bestfriend of my hs batchmate) invited me to join this nationwide-university contest. The contest required that a group would come up with a relevant paper on a given topic. The topic was: Advertising. We were in third year at the time Jaymee told me of this contest. We were both interested and I also informed Lois, who happens to always be my partner in group projects. The three of us were all determined to come up with the best paper, and ofcourse, our minds were set into winning. What motivated us all the more was our adviser, Ria. I must say God has his own reasons why He gave Ria to us- she was very much like us, a shop-aholic, crazy, smart and witty.

We were so determined that we would work late at nights after school hours just so we can come up with a unique idea for this contest. We worked our butts off, from researching in the different library in UP, accessing the net and even interviewing prominent people. We would drive all the way to Makati, then back to UP, just so we can produce the best paper. We even stayed in Ria's house in Laguna so that we can focus on our paper. Three nights of sleepless nights, arguing even down to the smallest detail as to whether we would put a comma or not at the end of every sentence. I've always wondered how we've managed to remain friends after our adventure in Laguna, probably the side-trip to the shoe stores in Liliw made the difference. haha. That was in December of 2003.

Weeks before February, we have been preparing hard for the paper presentation. Even the night before the competition, at 4 am, we found ourselves driving from qc then back to my house, just so we can perfect our presentation. God can surprise you at the moment when you least expect it..after all the worrying, that our powerpoint presentation would not work since our beloved techie friend Sars made the most complex powerpoint, we were caught by surprise that during the presentation itself, God made everything work perfectly to the last slide. Perfect.

The rest is history. The best part of it was we won the ticket to joining the Philippine delegate to Rome. Amazing? God was really faithful. Who would ever thought that a student like me, would get to visit Rome at the tender age of 20? My dream of finally visiting Europe came true. Something that I never ever imagined.

My adventure in Rome wouldnt be as fun and memorbale if not for these two individuals, Jaymee and Lois. I can go on telling people and showing to them our pictures during our experience there, but the joy of being together, wherein a deeper sense of fulfillment, only the three of us can fully understand.

No wonder, I care for the two of them, this much. That no matter how much they dissected me last Friday night, and that no matter how much they teased me about my bloopers, I cared less. I could have walked out the coffee shop and left them, but I never did. I can never do that to the two people who have shown me what friendship is all about.

I cannot wait for our next adventure...US of A here we come...

Falling backward all the more...

2005-11-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

I write now, in the wee hours of the morning, at the moment where my heart is at its most vulnerable state, where my trust in God is being challenged all the more and where my gratefulness for friends that God has given me leaps in bounds.

I write an hour after I drove all the way to Makati, effortlessly. How can that happen when it seems that traffic awaits you in all directions that you take? But for me who has always enjoyed driving, traversing all the way to Greenbelt was a piece of cake, especially when a really really good friend was with me on this trip.

This good friend- whom I have shared about in one of my blogs, have accepted my invitation again to come and attend the midweek worship service with me. I was very happy when she told me that she wanted to come and she really found time amidst her busy schedule. Hearing that really touched me. But what touched me all the more was the conversation that we had over dinner.

We shared about our hearts' desires, especially about our plans for next year. And yes, the moment that I have dreaded came, when she asked me about what I have been praying for- in short, what are my plans for next year. In layman's terms, it only means telling her if I will stay at work or leave.

It's amazing how God can create scenarios where His name is lifted up, and you realize your life fully depends on Him alone. She shared to me how she feels that for someone like me, she thinks that I need an area where I can really grow, where my potentials will be utilized all the more. And that no amount of money can lure me into taking a job that I do not enjoy. My heart melted when I heard her say these words.

It wasn't the glory of being put in a pedestal, but it was more of letting go of someone because you would want the best for that person. I like the way she told me, Teach me how to pray., cause I am just waiting on God's answers to my prayers. I told her, "there is no formula in praying. You jus tneed to be honest and acknowledge to God what you really want to tell him" and she goes, "oo nga noh".

It is funny how two individuals could pray for different things yet be in the same scenario- of praying for clarity and trust amidst everything. I ended up by texting her, Thanks. I really had a great time. Lets continue to pray for each other. I guess the best gift that I can give you is to share God's goodness.

When I look back to what just happened tonight, I see how God is slowly impressing upon me that there is indeed beauty in waiting. Whether I wait for my future partner, or I wait for concrete plans for next year, all of these tell me that I can only do as much as pray for now and wait some more...a little more..

Releasing sticky fingers while falling backward

2005-11-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

I would like to believe that I am very organized when it comes to planning alot of things. Ever since, I've been passionate about putting together organization events, gimicks, and planning very well my school projects and my schedule for the coming weeks. I like to see everything laid down in writing- where I can easily visualize how my week will turn out. In short, I like it when things are ironed out, when I know what to expect and what not to expect, but then I am also very flexible and patient when unexpected situations arise, although it irritates me when series of unfortunate and unplanned events occur. I am not a control freak as some people I know, but being in control gives me security. It saves me from worrying and gives me a certain sense of peace.

C.S Lewis, a well-known author gives a better picture of what I am trying to explain here. He uses the analogy of the "deck of cards". Just like how we try to stack up the playing cards, being very careful not to cause a card to move and fall..But then there are times wherein no matter how hard we try, there is always something that will keep these cards from being idle. At some point, these cards will also fall, if not move a centimeter apart.

The illustration can be very well applied to the illusion that I have-that somehow I want to be in control of my life, well at least, a bit in control of it. But no matter how I strive to be in control of it, the ideal of what I have in my mind will not always work the way I want it to work. As Paul Rhinehart says in her book, It's simply a bigger story--and we didn't write it.

I am at the point where I am left dumbfounded-of what I really want to do with my life, specifically with my career path. It is more like being stuck in the crossroads, where arrows are criss-crossed leading to roads that I am not as familiar with.

I struggle when I think about what I want to do next year. Should I stay in the same work place or try other options. When I think about the other options-it leaves me with limitless things to do , indeed, things that are new, things that a young person like me should be trying out. But when I also think about the same work place, it reminds me of the people whom I closely work with day in and day out, it also reminds of home, where I feel also loved and cared for.

It is only now that I feel so not in control of things. I have been so used to planning every detail of the things that I would be doing when it comes to my career. But right now, things are becoming more challenging for me. I guess, it comes to someone who has just turned another year older, it welcomes me to what real world is all about, and again, it reminds me of what I have in Christ.

Releasing my sticky fingers from the steering wheel of my life has not left me empty-handed nor powerless, rather it has made me become more powerful. Powerful? How? I have drawn strength from God alone. I know that I am being drawn closer to Him, because He is humbling me through this. More importantly, He is making me realize that there is a need for Trust and Total Surrender to His good and perfect will.

While reading the chapter 6 of Strong Women Soft Hearts, I was deeply moved with a passage that mentioned these words, the real need is not clarity as we think, but to be able to trust. As Paula Rhinehart illustrates it, trust is the art of falling backward on God, because you know that it is anchored on His goodness.

Though I many not have a clear vision of what my life will turn out next year, and I am currently figuring out what I really want to pursue, of what my heart's desires and dreams are, I know that as I pray and listen to God, He is slowly putting His desires into my life.

Now as I wait for God's leading, I can easily release my sticky fingers and trust that as I fall backward, I know someone mightier than me has held me into His secured arms.

I am currently reading: Strong Women Soft Hearts; Pleasures of God (my dad lent me this book and challenged me to read it, coz it took him months to finish it)

I am currenly listening to: my updated Ipod (i love it, thanks to ate who downloaded them)

I can't wait for: weekend: Friday: Ate's 24th birthday party and gimick with Bunny Saturday: My hs kada will watch Kim's body building competition Sunday: Watch Repretory Play with Lola

22...and counting...

2005-11-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

I am staring blankly at the monitor...wondering how I will start to put into words the grand adventure that I recently experienced.
It was one of those wonderful experiences that I wished I was stuck for a moment..
It's not the thought of me-turning a year older that made it memorable, rather it would be the
people and the place that made me feel truly special and so joyful.

It's not usual that someone would get to spend his/her 22nd birthday on the number 1 island in the world. Its not usual that someone would get an extra round for jetski and an extension of 5 more minutes during a banana boat ride. And its not usual that a band greets someone a happy birthday infront of an audience. Very unusual isn't it? But all of these happenned all in a span of 1 day...
Yes, dreams do come true...and I cannot wish for anything more on my special day.

I have decided to share my island life experience on my next blog. It calls for more reminscing and more time to write everything down, which I don't have right now.

I have just began to ponder on what being 22 would actually mean to me now...
It's only now that things are starting to daunt on me....
Another year to behold a new experience of what it means to live life:)

a much awaited answer...

2005-10-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

There are some prayers in one's lifetime that seem to be forever hanging,
but there are still some that are meant to be answered in this life time..

A long time ago, I prayed that this good friend of mine would become receptive to God's leading in her life. Many times I would often include in our conversations how God has worked in my life tremendously and that it is only through His grace that I can feel such peace. She would answer me back by just smiling and saying, eh kase Christian ka eh.. End of the conversation. Andwe would resort to other topics which she felt was more relevant at that time.

Still, I never lose hope. I continued to pray that someday, somehow this good friend would come to know the Lord. Maybe not in the near future, but hopefully, while we are both still alive.

God can indeed surprise us in our most unguarded moments. Just recently, due to a series of unfortunate events in the workplace, this friend of mine was lead to ask me several things about faith...Being the optimistic person that I am, I encouraged her by sending her a message that I remembered from a sermon in Resoul ( a midweek service every Wednesdays at Greenbelt), which focused on how we can be positive amidst the trials.

I shared how God can use circumstances to mold and perfect each person. Then she textd by saying, I think God wants to humble me. I ended our conversation by saying, in the end what matters is how you lived your life for God's glory. I recommended that she read the book of James-which was all about perservance and trials. I even said that I plan to atend the midweek service this coming wednesday. then she quickly replied, Can I come?

This has been one of my life-long prayers. That I would be able to share God's goodness to someone who is very dear to me. Nothing is better than seeing this friend be at peace with her relationship with God. After attending the midweek, she treated me out to a dinner in Bizu.

Over a sumptous dinner at Bizu, I realized how much I value the friendship that i have with this person. I thought that since she has become my boss at work, things would change. But then I realized, things are still the same as they were 10 years ago, when we started off as friends. Up until now, I must say that the friendship is still growing. She-pursuing her dream of having her own school and helping out others through educating children, while me-still waiting for God'sperfect will with my career and plans in life. The 10 year age gap (which is not really obvious at all) was never a hindrance in how we have maintained such good friendship.

I am the happiest person in the world right now. Nothing will ever beat the joy that a child of God experiences when someone who is searching for Him finally comes to her senses and realizes that this is what she has been looking for all her life. She utterly admits that she is being surrounded by Christian friends, who she only has positive words to tell about, and that is why it is only now that she has accepted such invitation to see for herself-why she sees people entering the Greenbelt theater every Sundays...
Only to find out that she too would be entering the same door.

I thank God for this opportunity to minister to someone, who may be older than me and wiser with her own life experiences but still is searching for inner peace. I may be young in the sense that I have yet to explore what life has to offer for me at the age of 21, but I know that at this tender age, I have found the Truth, which has given me the best life that nothing and noone can offer.

Indeed, the much-awaited answer to one of my life-long prayers is starting yet to unfold...

reunited and it feels so good...

2005-10-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

Finally, after several months, I got to meet my hs barkada. The last time I saw most of them was the week before I left for my US trip. Sad but not everyone was there, yes, work is the culprit to blame...and the distance if i may add.

Seeing them again after a long time made me realize one of the things that I truly miss..The memories way back in highschool have bonded these 17 individuals together, which I know have become a cause of envy for some groups..

Tonight, we tried to catch up on each other's lives..and then shared on how the work bug has bitten each of us,
and that slowly, reality has struck us, that what we once thought was an ideal world was only true during our highschool years..
We are finally realizing that there is so much that life has to offer and in the same way, there is so much that life is expecting from us.
The roles that we are playing have expanded- we are no longer just a daughter or a student, rather we have become a worker, a tax-payer, a counsellor and a parent to our parents too.

Tonight, while I was driving home, I realized that we have outgrown our childish ways yet we have remained childlike. Our conversations still involve how competitive our barkada is, our past lives and future hopes yet these conversations still end with a good and hearty laugh.

Tonight, I had the best laugh for this month. Laughing at our comic antics four years ago and what we have all experienced together for the sake of friendship are the moments that I have longed for and truly missed.

Tonight though there were only a few of us- Ter, Cris, Be, Nay, Deen and Bean, I had a wonderful time. though I know that if the others were here and all 17 of us were together, I would be the happiest person in the whole wide world.

I cant wait for: next Thursday for another yet nerve-wrecking get together with my hs barkada...

I am: happy that Ate will get her well-deserved break in the US but I am sad because Im wishing that I can come with her.

I am looking forward: to my sembreak

When God writes your love story..

2005-10-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

The other day, my mom told me that the owner of the bakery, where my preschool class had a field trip last week, said this to my mom: "Ey, nakita ko yun anak mo dito sa bakery ko. Masyadong mahilig sa bata ah. Baka di na yan makapag-asawa...". And I went, "Duh! Ma, tell her di totoo yan ah..." , there I was, defensive and swearing that I wouldnt buy bread from that bakery..favorite ko pa namn yun bakery na yun. hahah

I'm counting and in the past months, alot of people, from my friends-to my parents' friends, down to my relatives have been teasing me of the probability that being in a teaching profession would be my ticket to singlehood all my life. Whenever they would tell me this, I would just end up laughing at them, not minding the things that I hear, and saying, 'Hindi ah..".

Lately, I was quite disturbed thinking of such question.. what if I'll be single all my life?...Forgive such crazy thought, it has got to be one of those pre-menstrual hormones dominating my system that got me into this idea..

Then here i go, counting how many in my hs barkada are still single ,then my fingers go..there's 1, 2, 3, 4??? 4 out of 17? hahah..then, a co-officer of mine recently got into a relationship, then that leaves me being the only single in my set of officers (oops. plus our org adviser too...that makes us 2 out of 6.)

Then I read this in one of my good friend's blog...She writes..
"I see love in my single friends -- the never-say-die and never-stop-believing-coz-he’s-out-there outlook on love and on life, the hopeful wait for the one, the ready welcome for love".
Thanks james, I knew that you were thinking of me while writing this...hahah

Don't get me wrong, but I am not in near desperation of finally meeting the "one",
i just would like to share that people around me are that excited to see it happen for me.

Some of them tell me that it's the one thing that I lack in life, others tell me that they think that my first boyfrend would be the last one. Still others give me a long list of their friends that they want me to date..and others encourage me by saying that they are praying that I would meet God's will for me..

For all the concerns, the teasing and the encouragements, I thank all of them.

But most of all, I thank God for the inner peace that I feel everytime I tell him these things.
When I start to tell God about my desires in life, there I begin to find solace in Him alone, there I begin to see how narrow my perspective of love becomes because I let impatience creep in, there I begin to realize how wallowing in such frustrations become useless and instead, I begin to be reminded of what contentment and patience truly means.

As I await God's plan in my life, I realize that waiting produces a stronger character yet a softer heart. It leads me to make the most out of my life, to be the best that I can be for God, to let him work in me. It draws me closer to Him all the time. It reminds me what a lady in waiting really means.

For those who have been single since birth, or even for those who are just waiting for the One, I am praying thatt this little piece has encouraged you to wait more, just a little more and as you wait, may you be filled not with disappointments but with Joy.

I am currently listening to: "my own compilation of laid-back songs": songs performed by artists: D-sound, Incognito, Howie Day, Jason Mraz. I love this!

I am currently reading: Essential Piece and soon to read again, When God writes your love story.

I can't wait for: my long awaited bday treat for myself..Here we come Boracay:)

Invincible then now broken..

2005-09-23T01:57:00.000-07:00

If ever I encountered a stressful day, I would always find time to counter act it by finding refuge in my little abode, my room.

No one else would feel at home here, but me.
A yellow wall and a big window defines the interior of my room, but even if it's the one nearest the gate, and much noise fills this space, I would not exchange it for my ate's room.

There is something in this room that draws me to it. There's the bed, but more than the bed, it would have to be the books that line up the table beside my bed.

My night wouldn't be complete if i wouldn't read a chapter or two from these books...Reading them is something that I always look forward to after a stressful day, a routine that I never fail to miss.

What is it with these books? The first is what they say the best book ever written- the Holy Bible. Corny for many, but for me, it is what I revere the most. The second is a gift from my college discipler- Strong Women, Soft Hearts, a book that awaken my senses on what it means to be a true Christian woman. And next, Women on a Journey, a book given to me by an officer I worked closely with in a community-based project in Marikina last year.

Most of the books that lay beside my bed are the ones I believe would help me grow more as a person, enrich and expand my horizons more. I have chosen to forego of philosphical and novels that leave me either hanging with a question or dazed and even confused.

I wouldnt want to go to bed feeling hazy right? hahaha

Starting to write again..

2005-09-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

You might be wondering what took me a long time to begin writing here in my blog..Well I have my own reasons..
First, my pc got busted. And so I had to let it be fixed by our technician. He said that there must be something wrong with the video card, no wonder my monitor appears to be like sinking sand everytime i turn it on. After a few hours of tinkering, the pc already worked and so far, it's working perfectly well.
Second, lately ive been really sick. Probably from the very bad weather plus the added stress from preschool work. I've been sleeping late the past few weeks and I guess, this is one factor that lead to my uber sick status. Which leads to my third reason.
Third, I've slowly adjusting my body clock to resting to an earlier time. Which means, I'm off to bed at past 10 pm, which is hours ahead of my usual bed time. I've been finally convinced that a three hour sleep isn't enough to make me perky for a day with my 21 nursery kids.

This is so not me. Tanya, sleeping so early? Haha, ofcourse not. But things change, i'm slowly learning to understand the real meaning of "rest" in a field where you are required to be alert, awake and enthusiastic every second, meaning, all the time.

But, hey, I'm enjoying work. I love my children. and most of all, I love the people at work. Everyday, it seems that I have grown closer to them, and everyday seems to be a new day to look forward to with them. It got me thinking that it would have to be these people-Love, Anne, Joy, Patty, Ate Pia, that would make me stay in this school until forever...

I'm currently reading: The Essential Piece (Chapter 1) and Strong women, soft hearts (still reading...)

I'm currently listening: a mini-radio transistor that I got from my mom's room.

I'm currently looking forward to: Later: I'll be hosting a lunch party here at home and Saturday- Date with my discipler, ate ems and a mediterrean party with my college barkada!
Sunday- our church anniversary

deep waters...

2005-08-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

What would you begin to do if you thought you could?

I thought about this question not just once, but a hundred times. I immediately stopped reading. Closed my book and begin to ponder..

one, two..hmm probably...hmm...three, four...the list is endless...million thoughts slowly creeping into my head..

So what do I really want...

I thought hard about my desires in life..From simple requests down to deeper issues in life..
I asked myself, is my desire too strong or too weak? The most prominent of them all would have to fall under the category of spiritual life, relationships with family and friends, then career.
As I tried to classify the random lists of what I really want in life, i felt happy that even at least in my mind, I got my plans organized, even if I dont have any concrete ways how to deal with these desires of mine. Why? I'll tell you why later...

Where would desire take you if you didnt douse the flame of possibility before someone else attempted to blow it out?

Is my desire too strong or too weak? What would it actually take me to actually pursue the desires that I believe that I am capable of doing with God's signal?

It hit me, that most of the time, I tend to deaden these desires, since I want to save myself from the slow and tedious process of waiting, and if ever to avoid, the fear of what other people might think..

Deaden? Yes, that's how i react with some of my desires, that I know God has specifically given to me. No matter how I try to ignore it or play numb about it, I know that it will stay there in my heart longer...it has remained there for a special reason...a reason that only God knows why.

The desire to minister to people who are close to me...yes, most of the time I play a fool in trying to avoid this longing.. The fear of rejection haunts me everytime I think about this longing of mine..The more I pray about it..The more I know that God is telling me to pursue it..

Why am i doing it?
It isn't for me, definitely. It is because I would want to share to others how God has worked in my life. It's not about playing god as I help fix the lives of people who are close to me and that in one instant, their lives would be transformed...it's not about this..
It's walking hand in hand with them, towards the goal of knowing and experiencing Him..it's leaving the past behind, and instead, moving towards a life with a purpose...a clean slate indeed.

Desire is the tug of your heart to get in the game.

It is moving out of the stands and onto the playing field.
In the stands, we are simply a spectator, watching our own lives pass by..and wondering who will make the next call..But,
in the playing field, it's a different story..It is experiencing the muddy, sweaty feeling of actually playing the game. It is enduring pain and encountering the sweet sound of victory.

The greater question for me is....
Am I ready to play in the field?

Yes, But i am doing it slowly and surely with God's grace..
That's how much I love my dear friends...and much more, God!

I am currently listening to: Incognito CD

I am currently reading: Chapter 3 of Strong Women, Soft hearts: Pain, the crossroads of the heart

I am currently doing: 30 minutes of cosmic cycling at home

the perfect song.

2005-08-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

Trust His Heart
Cynthia Clausen
All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.

Our Father knows what's best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can't see Him,
Remember He's still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand,
trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So don't live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry,
He's weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

I first heard this song two sundays ago, when a churchmate sang it as her special number in one of our worship services. More than just the melody, the very lyrics caught my attention. Then last night, a friend of mine sent me an email, together with his email was the lyrics of this song.
Thanks Rey!

This song best describes me at this moment, where I'm waiting upon God's master plan in my life.. where at times I become fidgety of what is in store for me in the coming days, months and years..where at times I become restless rather than be still in the will of the all-knowing One..

This song reminds me to trust His heart...
because He knows the best for me.

I'm currently reading: Strong women soft hearts and Five people you meet in heaven

I'm currently listening to: 70's retro music

I'm currently wishing: that Saturday will soon come so that I'll get to spend time again with my co-officers..:)

Officially missing....

2005-08-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

I was looking through the pictures that I have saved in my computer under the folder: US TRIP. I was smiling while i was browsing through each picture..smiling yet feeling quite lonely..
I hate the feeling of missing people who are miles away from you...the feeling of wishful thinking that somehow at this very moment, you are seated beside them-listening intently to their stories and laughing out loud with them....if only...

Sometimes i think about it..what if i stayed a little longer...what if i didnt accept the job that was offered to me here home..what if i chose to not go home last july and opted to extend my stay to six months? What would have happened?
The endless what ifs...

Then...it would mean, I would have spent more time with my closest relatives in Bellflower, more time to go shopping with ate chelle and shat, more food to be eaten with hannah and zek, more stories shared every night at BJ's restaurant with kuya nino, more opportunity to listen to Ate Erika's words of wisdom and more nagging moments with mama bella.

Then ofcourse, I could have gone back to Jersey. Stay with Ate Pen, Kuya Gerry and my inaanak Elisha; visit New york with my highschool friends and say yes to their invitation to go swimming at the beach, probably hang out some more with new found friends- Kuya Rey, Kuya Dave and their friends..

The what ifs...the things i wished i have done..
Regrets? I donot regret my decision of coming back home..
Though at times, i miss the vacation that I had a few months back..im hoping that soon, i can leave work and visit them all again...

Why?
Looking back, I am reminded of the people who have welcomed me in those 2 months. The distance can hurt a lot..even more the expense in the internet and phone cards , higher cellphone bill for international sms, and yes, it is the presence of that certain person-may it be your friend or relative that haunts you more..

I hate to admit it..but i miss everyone back there in the U.S...
But reality bites...
hard..really hard..

I'm currently listening to: my newly charged ipod: a smorgasboard of songs from my ate's itunes

I'm currently reading: Strong women, soft hearts

rainy days on monday always get me down....

2005-08-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

As expected, the weekend was worth it...
I got to hang out with my college buddies-Rica and Lois, and organized our business plans..
Over a cup of hot tea and focacia bread, the three of us were filled with OC-ness (Obsessive Compulsive) hormones once again (as how we were always been since college whenever we do projects, no matter how big or small it is, the three of us together with another friend, Rachel, always made sure that we produce quality work).
Quality work means quality till the nth detail, it means foregoing sleep, gimicks just so we can pass our work on time, if possible even way before the deadline. Ask our batchmates and they can attest to how much work we put in school, that's why we always get teased, na pa-bibo kami.
We're not actually grade-conscious..well, yes we are, but we're not nerdy, mind you. We just want to share what we know, and most importantly, enjoy what we love doing best. Nerdy? ofcourse not, who would be, when we all have a "life"-social life to be more exact.
Well, i wrote about my college buddies and groupmates because I am very grateful that until now, I have remained close to them. We regularly see each other, hang out and eat together. Nothing has really changed. I really value the friendship that we have shared over the years. It is now I treasure them more than ever.
I was trying to remember if there was an instance, the three of us got into any fights..was it during midnite when we had to rehearse for an oral report for our feasiblity study? was it during one of the debates as to whether who will do a particular task?...hmm., na-da. there wasn't any instance that I remember getting into any fights with them. Probably because I always end up being the arbiter? hahaha....
Thanks to them. Rica, Lois, Rachel and Jaymee. (I havent heard any news from Rachel nor Jaymee, seems like the two of them have been very busy...) If not for you, I wouldnt learn what it means to work as a group, through thick or thin..through sleepless nights and cramming hours, through printing a paper with no ink and typing while the lights are flickering...

Single life...: for better or for worse

2005-08-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

I checked my watch..oops its past 2 am already and i was still seating in one of the benches in Fazoli's, listening intently to my two guy friends, Jon and Joshua share their own life stories...
The three of us have long planned a gimik together since I got back from my vacation, but I usually end up, texting them that I can't come, either I'm too tired from work or it's raining really hard that night. I actually feel bad whenever I have to cancel our plans, and so this week I steered clear of my friday night so we can finally go out. Inspite of a very bad weather, we found ourselves driving around ortigas and q.c, then finding a good seat in Fazoli's. :)

Jon and Joshua are my so-called "kuyas" in our christian org in UP. I've known them since i was a freshman, but it's funny how it's only now that we are begining to get really close. Probably because CCC( campus crusade for Christ) organization is very big and that we all have our own sets of friends, that we never really found the time to bond. But why do i care about the past..when there's a lifetime to get to know them.:)

We talked about life, faith, and most especially about love. It made me feel good that I was with my friends who are singles like me and that we can all relate with each other. It's funny how the three of us would analyze a particular situation, then give our own opinions which i think is based more on observations (especially for me, except for joshua who is the "guru" when it comes to this") and we end up, loosing track of what we were actually talking about since we tend to over-analyze.

Sabi ni Jon: "what were we talking about kanina?"
Tanya: oo nga, nakalimutan ko na.
Josh: Hmm...si.....(while holding his digicam)

Driving home, I got to think alot of what these two brothers of mine in the faith have reminded me about. That it is good to wait for God's best for you, and while you wait, it is best that you take measures on how you refine yourself to be the best for that person.

I admire Jon's analytical mind when it comes to processing things that are happening in his life, in the same way, I admire Josh's sense of self, whom I believe is one of the few people I know who has this high self-esteem.

No wonder, the three of us are still singles up until now. (since birth if i made add...)
We promised each other that next time we meet, we'd meet earlier, meaning not past 12 midnite...hahahha
They texted me: "Tanya we had a great time. Next time, ikaw na ang hot seat" (they've been wanting to ask me alot of questions...and to pair me with their friends hahaha)

...It's weekend again...Wohoo!! Fun FUN FUN!

A soothing poem...

2005-08-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

BROKEN DREAMS

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend

But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow"
'My child' He said
What could I do? You never did let go

I chanced upon this poem one Monday night during our Bible study.
And I cant help but smile, and nod.
This is so true for me at this very moment.

Re-soul...

2005-08-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

What's your Marah?

The question struck me as I sat for the first time in the mid-week service that I've been wanting to attend since summer..

Last night, while I was resting, I got a text message from my good friend; jamie, it goes, "Tan, do you have bible study tomorrow?"
Half-asleep, I struggled to text back without even being cautious of what I was texting, I replied: "oo, sana"
(ang labo ng reply ko! pag pagod nga naman..hehehe)

This morning, I was in a dilemma: Play frisbee with my UP friends or go to Resoul with jamie. I wanted to do both things..How i wished I had two bodies so i can do two things at the same time and be with two different sets of friends at the same time also..but ofcourse, reality hit me, i had to choose only one.

Tonight, I believed I made the right decision. Choosing my self-interest over a friend's invitation to join her in the midweek service was out of the question. I can play frisbee anytime I want but a friend who is searching should be given first place.

Together with my cousin ate otch, jamie and I drove all the way to Greenbelt 1, to attend the midweek service entitled: Re-soul. Indeed, the tag name was very much appropriate. It was a break that anyone is longing to experience amidst a busy week, it was the perfect time to reflect and think about your life. A Re-juvenated, Re-vived and Re-freshed Soul, this is what it is all about..

The message focused on: How one must face disappointments in life, as it is one of the major things in establishing an essential life. There were three major points that were discussed by the pastor. He used Moses, the respected leader who brought the Israelites from Egypt, all the way to the Promised Land. (Naalala niyo pa ba to, from Religion Class?)
First point: Great successes are always followed by great failures
Second point: Great failures are often followed by fullness
The other point, i seemed to have forgotten, weird, coz my friend just textd me asking about the second point when in fact i just texted her the answer...silly me! so then i have to text her again and ask her what i just textd her..ang gastos! hehehe

The very point is, we all experience disappointments day in, day out either from things, events or people but what is far more important is how can outgrow the bitterness, the discouragement and battle these failures and move on..
(Marah: means bitter-it was the place where the Israelites found water but since they were too impatient to wait on God, They were given bitter water as a result of their attitude)
What is your Marah?
What is my Marah?

I asked myself...and I cant help but nod and smile...
God knows what my marah now..of the things, events and people who have disappointed me, who have given me the feeling of bitterness and discouragements...
but that night, I learned that the best thing to do with my marahs is: To let go and Let God.

I drove Jamie home to antipolo, even if I had to travel from Makati to Antipolo then back to Marikina, I didnt mind.
God has been faithful to me all my life and I know that the best thing that I can do for Him is to share to others how He has been good to me.
Even if it means sacrificing frisbee..
Even if it means driving late on a wednesday night..
Yes...these "ifs" are futile
when its all about Reviving your soul...and others' soul..

Forgetting all that is behind..

2005-08-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

I came home tonight...enlightened, encouraged and challenged!
It was my second time to attend our bible study in church, since last week, I was down with a flu.
I've always looked forward to Mondays since I came back last July. It's during this time that I really get to think alot about my life and what counts most in it; yes, my relationship with God.
Our pastor focused on: Hating for Christ-it means loving less other things and putting God at the center of your life. The book, Essential Piece is what we have been trying to understand the past months, but for me who is a new comer, I had to resort to sharing a book with my mom. Just this evening, our pastor made mention of the battles that we all face every day, yes, the war fare.
He wasn't actually refering to battles between knights and King Arthur, rather it was more of that inner battle that you experience within you. Was it a battle against evil thoughts? A battle against discontented heart and spirit? He ended by saying, What is your battle now?

I asked myself the same question...and I smiled while I listened to our pastor. I knew right there and then that as a warrior in my own battle is no easy task, it is indeed more than what my mind can conceive, but God is indeed gracious, He would not gve us a task that we cannot even bear.

Forgetting all what is behind, says a verse in the Bible. This verse actually talks about how one must forget his past defeats and even victories so that he focus on the forthcoming defeats and victories and be guarded. Hearing this reminded me how I should overcome bitterness and ill feelings towards past experiences or frustrations, because it isn't a good habit.

I chanced upon a good friend's blog and she talked about how one must keep on driving, amidst the difficulty that he is experiencing, even if it means having to let the marks heal while you drive.

I've shared alot of things with this good friend recently, and I do think that we're both as motivated to keep on driving..she: working towards the goal of maintaining a good relationship, while me: patiently waiting for God's best in my life, even if that means a little longer..

Im currently listening to: A souvenir cd given by Annika, one of the prettiest girls in my sunday school kids class.:)

Im planning to: attend frisbee class this wednesday and play badminton too
meet up with highschool barkada and visit tumana this Saturday

2005-08-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

What defines me at this very moment:
1. sporty- im currently trying out a new sport:ultimate frisbee. That's why i'm looking forward to Wednesday Afternoons at the Sunken Garden. Hello to Joshua and Pol: see you this wednesday, promise na!

2. stressed- i'm always stressed from mondays to wednesday afternoons, specifically when the clock strikes 8:00 am, until i leave the grounds of the preschool. No wonder my co-teachers always look after me; checking if I ate my food already or reminding me to take a breather after a long day with 21 kids. Stressed but i still manage to smile:)

3. Forbearing- yes, a more appropriate word for my age. I've noticed how my patience has grown deeper these past months, probably working with kids have actually influenced the way i treat the people around me. You can test my patience in most things; from jeepney drivers hasslers to waiting in line in a jampacked grocery, listening to my friends whine and most of all, wait for God's will in my life.

4. Smiling- I always see to it that I put a smile amidst a busy day. A habit that I've practiced since I was a preschooler. Smile, it makes the world a better place.

5. Health-conscious- Yes I am only during weekdays. I bring along my brown rice with a vegetable viand or my chicken salad to the preschool. I've always been teased that my food looks bland, but when my friends taste them, they fall in love with my not so appealing food. weekends- i spend to splurge on anything that my mouth desires to eat; which is actually the meal that the common people would consider food. hehehe
6. Seeking- I'm keeping still in the will of God for my life in the coming year. My friend asked me what was my plan for next year, I replied, I live one day at a time. Searching, exploring and seeking for options and what the Lord truly desires...He knows better, rather, He knows what is best for me.
7. Happy- I am happy because I have more time for myself..for things that I've always wanted to do...

i'm currently singing: Just a Smile (you make me feel like Ican get lost inside your eyesI feel closer to the skyWhen you save the day with just a smile...:)

i'm currently listening to: Incognito CD

i'm planning to read this week: Strong women, strong hearts

i'm currently reading: Devotional Book and Bible

i can't wait for: Sembreak...( a week of rest in the island of Boracay with my adlaw friends.. trying to find means for our sideline and our future business..)

reminiscing..

2005-08-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

I drove home tonight with a heavy heart...I've always had this feeling whenever I would see my old friends..And again, i felt the same thing.

I just came home from a surprise party for Ate Emmylou (She was my discipler in UP CCC, a christian organization that I joined when I was in college. For those who are not much aware of what a "discipler" is, in lay man's terms, she is someone who guides us in discovering God's word through a series of bible studies, more of a spiritual mentor, if you want to put it simply). It was her 30th birthday and as our way of treating her, we put up a surprise party for her, complete with food and gifts and a short programme. I was informed about this plan last week, and I was very excited about this party since we've been trying to plan a thank you party for her, after graduation which never materialized since most of us were busy during summer and what more, this semester.

Right after my 2 pm class, I quickly finished my tasks at the preschool and at 4 pm, I left the preschool already. I think today was the first time i didnt bring work to the house. (Sarap pala ng feeling ng umuuwi ng walang trabaho. Sana ganito parati!). I rested for a bit and started wrapping my gifts for Ate Ems. I drove hurriedly to the flower shop to buy a rose, which we were assigned to bring for the program. And then I drove straight to Anonas, to fetch her mom.

It was one of the best surprise parties I've attended. The ambiance was very laid back, with pillows and scented candles all over the place. The food was superb- it was a fushion of Asian cuisine; which I totally love. And yes, the program was short yet simple.

I was the first one asked to send my greetings- I gave ate ems the book: Tuesdays with morrie; I wrote on the firs tpage of the book: To ate ems: this book talks about friendship. Reading this has reminded me of you, my mentor during my college years, and most of all, one of my inspirations in my pursuit in glorfying God. She doesnt have a copy of that book yet, and she was very happy to see my gift. Yey! Good buy!

Seeing my old orgmates made me feel so happy. After a stressful day at the preschool, nothing beats the encouragement that I get from my friends, whom I have always considered my second family in UP:) Seeing my discipleship group mates reminded me of Monday afternoons in Vinzon's hall, spending the time until 7 pm-sharing and encouraging each other about our walk with God and our own lives. And it is their company that I truly miss.

Before I left, I was telling them that I really missed them, and how i wish we can have a reunion someday. I wonder when would that be, when Ate Cams is in Palawan for her NGO work until next month and Nani is very busy with work. I hope we can all see each other soon, very soon and relive old days at Vinzon's hall and at the sunken garden.

Tonite, Inspite feeling sick, I felt relieved and happy. It's theraupetic to see old friends, and to reminsce on moments spent for long conversations on the perennial themes of: relationships, singlehood and career. These are what I truly miss in UP. More than the food, it is the company of these people.
Truly,
Priceless.

2005-08-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a sore throat and a terrible headache. It was 5 am, and I was hoping i got up at past 12 midnite since I had to finish some tasks for my preschool class. I remember my dad was waking me up, when I felt that I needed sleep to ease my aching head and body...
Bad timing nga eh...sunday na sunday ang sama ng pakiramdam ko..sunday pa naman ang family day at gimik day ko with my cousins...
More than that, i was looking forward to this sunday since the orphans from Bahay Kalinga would be visiting my tita's house (which has turned into a mini-zoo, because she's into breeding dogs, birds, turtles...kaya nagugulat kami kapag may lunch sa kanila, at pagdungaw mo sa gazebo, may katabi kang turkey...heheh)

My tita asked help from the church, if the members can donate goods or toys for the children and she asked me personally if i could help out with the program. I said yes right away. I was tasked to tell them a story...(actually, wala pa akong maisip na story nun when I said, Yes tita..but sabi ko naman..sige madali na un..18 lang naman sila eh compared to my 21 kids in school hahaha)

I was a bit worried as to whether I can actually deliver well the story sinc eI was terribly sick. even if i had my favorite slice of yellow cab's 4 seasons pizza, i still didnt feel well. To my surprise, the kids actually listened and understood the message of my story..(sabi ko sa sarili ko, bahal ka na Lord, pakapalan na talga ng mukha..they dont even know who I am hehe except for my churchmates who were right behind me...nahihiya ako na ewan hahah..but ive faced many audiences so many times heheh...)

I met alot of kids and teenagers from the orphanage. They wer all nice and friendly towards us. Most of these kids were sexually abused and thus, left under the care of the house mothers. Sad isn't it? talking to them makes me feel so privileged to belong to a family, it made me see how blessed I am. Before they said goodbye, they sang a beautiful song to us, entitled: Si Hesus. I knew that even though they have been abandoned and are poor yet they are rich in God's love.

It was a wonderful experience to see and be with these kids. Before they left, Dr. Anne, the supervising pediatrician of the orphanage came up to me and told me that they are in need of tutors. I was about to volunteer when I realized that even if i want to, my schedule might not permit me to be thre on a regular basis. I succumbed to a deep sigh. These are the things that I want to do in the long run, to minister to kids and youth..

I just remembered a dream that I shared with a friend, We want to have an ngo someday..something that caters to the children..The particulars, we still dont know..It's only a dream, yes, that's true but I know its not far-fetched..sympre...Boss yata kami! hahaha

I'm sleeping in a little while..I need to since ive been down with colds, sore throat and slight flu. Had my flu vaccine this afternoon. I had to.
Lord, make me stronger tomorrow.

I'm currently listening to: Biyahe tayo! (Theme of: WOW Philippines! I have to, linggo ng wika na sa school eh..heeh gagawa pa ata kami ng dance steps ahahah)

I'm currently reading: my devotionals and the Bible

I'm planning to read: Strong Women, Soft Hearts; I kissed dating goodbye (again? hehe) and my new xeroxed books-Creative Movement and Curriculum

2005-07-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wishes are not meant to be written, rather there are times when they do come true...
remember how i wrote here a couple of weeks back that how i wish weekends are not just
confined to two days...and yes..
This weekend was a really long one....Monday was a holiday..wohooo!

Let me see...how did my weekend go?
1. Friday palang halfday na ko, so i went home after 1 pm. I wasnt feeling well surprisingly, probably, i was too exhausted the whole week..I rested until i got a call from my friend inviting me to watch a movie with her. Yippee
We watched Herbie, actually the movie was as good as free coz my friend had this free movie pass. I only paid 50 bucks parang buy one take one..wow uso pa pala un..kala ko wala nang libre sa mundong ito!
and ofcourse, we had our doze of frapuccino. Mine was a frap lite. I dont know if having starbucks near our house was a good thing...i mean, jus twalk a couple of miles and viola, the site of a coffee being brewed can be vividly seen...expensive addiction isn't it? Good thing, im just addicted to tea. It only costs 60 pesos, the least costly drink in all the coffee shops in manila.
2. Saturday: I woke up quite late..past 9 am. My head actually hurts already kase nasanay na kong 6 am gumigising. I actually conditioned myself that i needed to find time to relax the whole day and so i did.. I rested, watched tv and did nothing. I was suposed to go to the mall to have my pictures during my US trip developed when it began to rain..aggh talk about bad timing.
My friend, chris textd me and asked if i was free for tonite. He said, "hey tanya, tuloy ba tayo later? libre ko!" wow..I really wanted to go, but i had to finish my lesson plan so i can enjoy my sunday and free day on monday. Sayang din ang libre diba?
oh wells...sabi naman niya may next time pa naman...
i actually asked him again if the treat still stands for next time...oo daw!!
3. Sunday: It was an interesting day in church. Our pastor delivered a very powerful message that centered on, using your mind in thinking twice, thrice before doing anything particularly, prayer. Sunday school was as interesting as expected. Debates and more q and a's were discussed. Madami ako natutunan talga, just by listening to them...I can't seem to think of questions to ask, parati kase ako nauunahan or baka nahihiya lang ako magtanong. ewan ko. These are the times that i d rather keep my mouth shut, take down notes and listen to people older than me...Maybe, this sunday i should think of a more challenging question...why not?
I was actually lookin gforward to Sunday lunch even before the week began..I was going to treat my family out to one of the finest chinese restaurant in Manila, Summer Palace. My sister was actually joking me and telling me, tanya, sa yelow cab ka nalang manilbre noh..mahal dun. I cared less actually, coz I really wanted to spoil my family and I know that this one of our favorite restaurants.
Finally we arrived at summer palace. Ang tagal namen naghintay sa lobby ng Edsa Shangril-la. Daming tao kase. My dad held my arm and told me, Tans, next time ka nalang manlibre. Sa yellow cab or sa cascada. Medyomahal dito at maliit lang sweldo mo. Libre ko na to, welcome back libre sa yo:)
How nice of my papa noh? In whatever angle i see it, he's really sweet and lovable. No wonder, my ate and I respects him so much. (di lang dahil nanlilibre sya ah...)
I was suposed to treat them to Ice monster after our sumptous meal but then my papa passed the other way going home so we ended up not eating any. But i assured them that next sunday's lunch is on me..I'm excited.. i havent tried cascada yet, my ate says it's a fushion type of meal..i love trying out new restos!!

The rest of the afternoon was spent for preparing for Ice's 5th party. my ate and I love ice so much, no wonder we bought so many gifts for him at the mall and wrapped them separately in an old newspaper. Ice is my only little boy cousin who is so bibo, and who can understand our jokes. I love this baby boy!

When i got home, i had the chance to go online and check my emails. Looks like i have many emails to answer...great! Then i saw my good friend, Dennise. Wow...we actually got to chat for almost an hour...She seems bored though staying at home in canada, but i cant wait till she calls us all this coming saturday...Kakamiss si dennise, the bossing in our college barkada! Ang mahilig manantsing, manghawak ng kung ano-ano...Mahlig din manhalik ng mga kaibigan..
mahilig akong asarin na inosente daw ako...hay kakamiss ka bossing xiajua!

4. Monday: I woke up past 8 am...i told myself, oo nga pala, walang pasok.kay sarap!! I endedup cleaning my room from 10 am till 2:30 pm. Then my mom kept on walking through my room asking if i want to go to the mall. At first, I refused. I wanted to finish doing the overhaul of my room, but then i was almost done except for my cabinets..and there was my dad who was persuading me to go out with them.. We ended up going to greenhills. I treated them to Lukyen noodle house. I was just planing to go windown shoping with my mom, but i ended up shopping. I got to buy a really nice sporty jacket and some gym outfits. My mom cant help but to splurge on me..she bought me lots of clothes by the way..Thank mom:) now i know kanino kami nagmana ng ate ko sa pagiging shopholic...But ako kurpot ako eh..kaya siguro mahilig silang bilhan ako ng kung ano ano...

The actual reason why i wanted to go to greenhills was because I wanted to drink the almond jelly from DEC food store...Which I was able to do..yehey! I had that for dinner wohoo and a piece of lumpia too!
Really, the chinese in me is coming out naturally....once a chinese, alway sa chinese..
kahit 1/4 lang hahha

Yes..back to reality again...Work work work.

over a frapuccino light...

2005-07-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

I've been craving for frapuccino since last month, but since i am on my forever diet mode, i've always refused my cousins' offer of a free frappucino everytime we would visit starbucks. I would always settle for my tazo hot tea, while the rest of my cousins and friends give in to their guilty pleasure--a cup of frapuccino..
But tonight, i finally got to taste a frapuccino after months of craving for it. Just when I was about to drop off my childhood friend to her house, we suddenly craved for starbucks and so i made a u-turn and drove all the way back to the newly-opened mall near my house.
I was suposed to order tea again, when i realized that, i need to deviate at times and I badly deserve a treat from a very stressful week. And so, i got a mocha frap LITE...take note of that, i still really cant let go of my urge to be healthy....

It was one of the best conversations ive had in months. I've always felt comfortable with this friend, who wouldn't be, when we've been friends since preschool, went to the same highschool, and up until now are really good friends. It's funny how we've kept the friendship stronger as the years passed.

We talked about so many things, from working with children to our own future plans. She shared how being in a relationship is both happy and difficult at the same time, and wondered when will I ever get to experience such? She did her long sermon on why she thinks i'm still a single...and formulated her own theories on my current status...

Why is everyone telling me this?
Just the other day, we were treated to Gloria Mari's by our school directress, and we actually tasted a soup that was called, Fish lips. It was a normal looking soup though, and it tasted verygood..Then there was my co teacher, Lovely who was teasing me, o ayan, tanya, may first kiss ka na...un nga lang sa isda. ..Everyone laughed. I wasn't pissed at all, I guess i was used to being teased alot since i'm the bunso in our family and that goes also in the school where I now work, they call me, baby coz i'm the youngest among the staff. I get pampered all the time because of this, at the expense of being teased at all times...but di naman ako pikon eh.

Aside from the fish lips joke, they kept on teasing me to Clifford. Yes, the big red dog that you see in your tv sets. It all started when our directress called us all to inform us that we are to eat lunch already, then she overheard this man, who was working for scholastic books ask our school guard, what my name was...hahah well, what's the connection with clifford? well that's the mystery you have to find out....
The only reply i told them, yuck, excuse me..I have high standards noh!
End of the story.

I wish weekends are meant to be everyday..

2005-07-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Ever since i got home from my vacation, i've always looked forward to weekends..
I cant wait for fridays, since this is the day that I devote to teaching sports and exercises to my 3's and 4's.
Sometimes, i actually dream of putting up own a gym for kids and actually teach a variety of sports there..Probably if i didn't take up child development in college, i would have been involved in Sports Science, that only goes to show the athelete in me.
Why not put up a sports workshop this summer? hmm, sounds a great idea.

Speaking of sports, i plan to do gym hopping this week. I realized how much toning my arms need ever since i was on vacation. But im actually thinking twice about it, going to the gym versus walking. And going to the gym would mean extra pay, but i think my mom is willing to shoulder my gym expenses...well, that i still need to clarify:)

I've had again the best weekend. I met up with my former execom officers. Never realized how much i miss them. Even before I started handling the org, I've always made it a goal to get to know each one of them apart from being my officer, that is why, I got to really be good friends with them. That accounts for how many times i treated them all out during gimicks and brought them home after our late night meetings.
There is Teacher Jen, who challenged me all the time to give my best in all things. More than our organization adviser, she became my mentor in aspects pertianing to school, work and life.
There is Celine, my finance head, who was very vocal and open in sharing her life to me. I've always admired her composure amidst the stress.
There is Rica, my membership head, who was all out in our organization projects. She would always be the first to submit the tasks I assigned to her and always added a doze of creativity in all of them. More than just an officer, she was my kabarkda in college, which I think was a plus.
The 3 others: Shari, Mira and Christine I would choose to describe on my next blog.
I hope I can meet up with them soon. I promised them a treat to Bubba gump next time:)
Wow, how i wish weekends are meant to be everyday.

A home that i will always come back to

2005-07-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

Just this afternoon, i found myself driving around UP.. It was one of those things that i haven't done for the past two months, since graduation and summer began.
While I was waiting for a friend, I drove around the sunken garden, then to the places where I usually hang out with friends..
I asked myself, Do i really miss UP? And if I do, what do I particulary miss about it?...
1. The people- from all walks of life. Classmates who wear pantulog down to the socialites who assemble their cars in AS parking lot.
2. The food- i've always enjoyed food trips to the nearby fishball stand in FC or to Rodicks. and yes, the monay. The comfort food after exams and even before exams. Dont forget the cheese too.
3. The jeepneys IKOT and TOKI- i miss how you try to squeeze yourself into a full packed jeepney, while finding means how to hold your bag and file case. I remember how I usually get mixed up on how much i need to pay heheh
4. The Tambayans-i've always enjoyed sitting anywhere, under the tree, on a dilapited bench, and even on the greenish and brownish grass in the sunken garden. The best moments are these, when you get to talk just about anything after a long day in class, and yes, the stars at night. I havent tried the Viewing deck in UP, to think it was right beside my building, but who cares, when you can star gaze in the sunken garden.
5. The FLCD batch- the workload in my senior year was way too heavy but because of my batchmates who were all fun and lovable, everyday was neither dragging nor tragic. I always looked forward to school days because of them.
6. CDC tambayan- our little home, where most of my furnitures have been stuck for a year. Due to alot of organization projects and parties, i found my little room in our tambayan, coz most of the time i had to lend things that I have at home just for the org:) I miss seeing the tambayan in a mess, and most of all, bombarding the white board with all my announcements.
...The list goes on...
Why did i write this? hm...this afternoon, i finally met with my former execom: there was rica, my ever dependable memcom head, and there was celine, my hardworking finance head and there was teacher jen, our all-around adviser. It was hard to imagine that the four of us are talking about something else, and not about org stuff.
I'm happy to see each of them. and to know that they are enjoying with what they are doing at the moment, that's enough to really make me smile...

By the way, i got my first salary this week. It's funny how my boss was teasing me the moment she gave me my envelope. She was calling me a baby, and reminding me to put my salary inside my bag right away.
With my first pay, i promised my family to treat them out this sunday:) I've been spoiled too much by my parents and sister, now its my turn to spoil them:)

If i could only seize time..

2005-07-01T02:39:00.000-07:00

If i could only seize the remaining 18 hours of my stay here
then I would be the happiest person in the world.

I feel so bloated and its already past 2 a.m.
I ate my last dinner, the best dinner i've had in a month
more than the food, it was the company of the family who has considered me
as their own, that made it so special.

Last night, While ate chelle and I were on our way home,
She uttered: "tanya, hay..uuwi ka na bukas...wag na!"
I answered, "hay...kung pwede lang di ba? eh kaso...ganon eh..
She replied: "I know, goodbyes are the hardest..."
My heart leaped..
There was a long silence..

This afternoon, I spent some time alone, as I drove to barnes and noble bookstore.
I did my devotionals while sipping my cup of tea.
and afterwards, I began writing my thank you notes to the familes who have welcomed me here.
While i was putting to words how grateful I am for each of them, I noticed that my eyes
have become teary-eyed and soon, I was sobbing.
It was a good thing that I was looking down, and quickly, I brushed those tears away.

I'm not as comfortable of crying infront of other people,
and saying goodbye is one thing that I hate doing.
They've never seen me cry, because I've always been optimistic and happy in all situations.
But i think, tonite, they would see a different picture..

I dont care if i cry a bucket as i see each of them for the last time..
I dont care if i would be the last one to board the plane..
I dont care if i cry infront of other people..
Why bother, when i'm saying goodbye to a family who has been my second family
every time I visit in california,
Why bother, when i'm saying goodbye to them, with no assurance of when I will ever
get to visit and see all of them again,
(grad gifts are not given regularly you know...)

If i could only seize time...
Just for tonite, Dear God..

Counting down the days....

2005-06-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm counting the days, till I would last see them as I board the plane going back home.
If there's one wish I have at this moment, it would have to stay a little longer,

how do you make the remaining four days seem like forever?..

At nights, I often think whether I made the right decision of accepting the job that was waiting for me when i get back..

Declining the offer would mean that I can stay here for as long as 5 months,
shop till I get sick of it, spend more time with my relatives and think about my future...
But what will it be like after 2 months or more of stay in a place that is thousand miles away from home?
It would mean..
being jobless while the rest of my friends are working their hearts out,
staying home without nothing to do
anxious of s 360 degree change in my lifestyle
and missing out irreplaceable moments with my own family...

Last night, I thought about it hard,
about the what ifs...

But i've came to a decision to go back long before i had this grand vacation,
i did accept the job offer and began working over the summer even the day before my flight,
I took this job, which i consider not as work, but more of "play", since this is what I love doing;

..being with kids...

In 5 days, i'll be starting my first job after graduation.
I'm anxious as ever...
But i'm coming home,
fully recharged...
with a clear mind...
a grateful heart
and hands that are fully opened before Him.

But before i think about Home,
i'll have to enjoy my second Home here..
I dont want to count the days..
I dont want to let the days be useless.
What I want
is to spend each second with them
and spend as if there is no tomorrow..

the last three days that I wish would not end..

2005-06-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm staring at my cousin's laptop, and i'm smiling.
It's only now that my eyes were opened to a fact
that I am the most blessed person in the world.

Everyone was telling me this, but I would only end up
smiling and answering, "di naman..."...
But I realized that others are wanting to be in my position
at this very moment,
and it humbles me everytime i think about it..

Others tell me that I deserve this vacation
for all the hard work i invested in my four years in college
but when I look at it, its not the "I" that should be given emphasis,
I know that there is someone who should be in the spotlight,
not me..

My parents, the two people i just talked to an hour ago.
I was touched when my papa told me how much he misses me,
for the very reason that there is no one to bother him all the time
while my mom was her usual self, asking me about my shopping spree
and there's my ate, whom i terribly miss seeing running late for work..

Everytime i get to talk to my parents or to my ate, they would always tell
me to enjoy every moment of my vacation. They even reminded me not
to buy stuffs for them anymore and just go shopping for myself..
Well, I said yes, but ofcourse, i couldn't resist not to think of them,
why?
for the simple reason,
that I miss my family and I am so blessed to have them.

I never expected that my vacation would be this fun,
i'm counting and i still have 3 more weeks left before i go home
but as each day pass by, i am filled with mixed emotions
Sad...that im leaving ate pen, kuya gerry and elisha here in jersey
and the rest of my higschool friends, and new friends that i met here
But...
Happy..that i'll be seeing the rest of my relatives in california

I'm counting...i still have 3 more days left before i say goodbye to
a family that have been very good to me..
a family that have considered me as their own "ampon"
a family that has ministered to me in avery special way..

As i go to bed in awhile, I breathe a prayer of gratefulness
for all the things that have happened to me,
and for all the things that will happen to me..

thousand miles away from home...

2005-06-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

i'm currently in a state of sadness coupled with happiness
as i chat with my friends and sister who are all in manila,
i cant help but miss them.
On the other hand, im having the best time of my life here
a thousand miles away from home, in a humble and comfy
abode of my cousin, ate pen and her family.
New Jersey has become a second home to me.
I've grown in love with the place,
the smell of fresh air and the sight of country homes that will welcome you
everytime u get out of the condominium..
sounds trivial, but i adore simple things and these things are what make me the happiest person in the world.

It's very different when you travel all alone without your family with you.
It's fun, yes it is, you get to splurge on things you really want without
having someone comment on the things you buy
although the sad part is that you get to carry all your stuff most especially your luggages
all by yourself, and in times you ran out of cash, there's no one who can save you
from such peril..

I am learning so much now that im having this vacation..
Things that I am discovering as i get to know more o fmyself..
sounds cheesy, but it's true.
of what independence, and budgeting are..in the real world..

As i doze of to sleep and say goodbye to my sister and friends in manila,
i'd first have to write my thank you note to my cousin's family who was really
extra nice to me..
I miss my family and friends back home
but right now, it saddens me that tomorrow, i would give my cousin and her family my last hug before i board the plane to california. It would be years till i would get to see them again..
nothing beats this new jersey trip.
The ipod makes it the best as of now..hahah

A life changing seminar

2005-05-17T01:36:00.000-07:00

I just came home from a day long seminar. It was my first time to attend a first-aid seminar, wherein we were all required to faciliate the CPR, mind you, we had to do mouth to mouth resuscitation to a dummy. By the looks of it, while the facilitator from UP Red Cross was doing it, it seemed so easy, but when it was my turn, and i was holding the dummy's nose at the same time tilting its head, everything seemed so complex. Imagine having to blow the dummy's mouth and letting its chest rise...
I wonder how I would be able to do it when it's the real thing..
Still, the first aid seminar though it was really hard, i found it fun and enriching.

I had a very good lunch. It was joshua's birthday and so, food was overflowing in the preschool, a treat to us by our directress, joshua's dear mommy.

The rest of the afternoon was devoted to a seminar, entitled: the nobility of teaching, facilitated by our directress. She talked about why one must work, and the need to be a professional in any chosen career. But the most important thing that she discussed was how one must have her own mission statement when working, and the desire to follow Christ, who was the best example of a good worker.

Before i left the preschool, i congratuled our directress, ate pia. I told her that I learned so much and I can sense that God is workng in her life. It made me happy knowing that the person you are ministering to, is able to minister others as well:)

On top of mountains..

2005-05-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

Finally, one of my dreams came true.
I had the chance to visit prayer mountain this afternoon. Together with my dearest friend, and now, boss, Ate Pia, we drove all the way to Antipolo, amidst all the traffic and congested road.
We arrived at past 5:30 pm, and silence welcomed us as we entered the hall way.

We checked out the prayer cellars, and to my surprise, there were only a few people in the area.
Ate pia stayed outside the prayer cellars and opted to enjoy the scenery, while I stayed inside the cellar, brought my journal with me and started my quiet time.

I committed several things to God, mostly about my future. My journal revolved around my life verse, Psalms 37:4, it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". True enough, i started writing down what my heart desires this year, and prayed for God's will in all of them.

I was humbled as God moved me in realizing that I should value Him in everything that I do. I was reminded that I cannot do anything if not for God and it was at this time, I found myself loving God all the more because He has handpicked me and allowed me to experience a life that is abundant..

I left prayer mountain with an heart that is open and seeking for God's will. I found myself opening to God, of whatever His purpose is for me in all aspects of my life.
I felt light.
I felt privileged.
I felt special because I experienced His presence
if only I learn to listen to Him more.

That night, Ate pia, texted me, thanking me for she had a great time and was as grateful to have a friend like me.
I told her I am happy for her, that God is working in her life and I am as excited to be part of her team of teachers.
God is indeed, good:)

Basta't tayo'y magkasama..laging mayroong umaga kay ganda..

2005-05-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

I remember singing the song: "basta't tayo'y magkasama..laging mayroong umagang kay ganda.. on my last week as a senior way back in high school, together with my barkada, while having a picnic in the middle of the field... That was four years ago...

Last friday, I found myself reminscing those moments during my overnite with my HS barkada.
I was both excited and anxious as i was driving on the way to the hotel, since it has been a long time since I last saw most of them, and the thought, "baka la na kami mapagkwentuhan dahil matagal na kaming di nagkita kita" haunted me...

But, i was wrong.

The moment I entered the door, I cant help but smile and hug each of them.
There were so many things to talk about that night, from our hs kalokohan, to boys and to um...secret stuffs kept within the four corners of the hotel hahaha!! We actually lost track of time, and found ourselves still talking till past 8 am... wow!

I had a wonderful time. It seems like nothing has changed...
Even if Tish will soon leave us..i know that some things may change but it would be for the better...
There would only be one f-17 barkada..and I would always find myself going back to this barkada even If i'll be miles away..

Good byes...

2005-04-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a smile...
because I knew that for the past weeks, it was only last night that I had more than 4 hours of sleep.
Since last week, i've never had a good sleep. Id usually wake up at around 6 am, prepare for my 3's and 4's summer class, and head to school to do some last minute stuff for graduation..

Hay, im glad its all over. Yet when I look back, I feel a bit of sadness because I know that it would be the last time I would be doing those things. Running to and fro from our tambayan to anywhere in UP, processing papers, lining up for hours and eating banana que in between...

Last friday, As I faced my batchmates, and read my last statement to them: Today is the beginning of the rest of your life. I was overwhelmed to see my FLCD batchmates stand and clap for me. It's amazing how Ive made good friendships in the last four years and these are people who have been an encouragement to me, they have always reminded me to enjoy every second of college life. They have made my stressful day into a fun one through their carefree antics and laugh trips. Hay...

It would be these people that I would absolutely miss...Hay..

They say, goodbyes aren't forever....i hope this one is for reals.

The happiest day of my life

2005-04-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

Today is the happiest day of my life.

Finally, I am about to graduate. After working hard for 4 long years, it seems that all of my hard work paid off..It was not longago when I was disheartened that God did not grant me my ateneodream, and instead, he placed me in UP.

Now I see the very purpose why i was put there.
If not for my UP education, I wouldnt be exposed to what is real beyond the four walls of the classroom.
If not for my UP education, I wouldnt be as critical when it comes to dealing with issues and i wouldnt be as hardworking in everything.
It was in UP that I was able to interact with peoplefrom different walks of life. Name what denomination and sect thereis, I've met them and have become good friends with them.

It was in UP that I felt free. free in a positive way. Where I can be flexible with my time,
my schedule. Where I can be myself without any pretensions, because you know that
the people there would accept you no matter if you are wearing your pambahay attire,
speak in the simplest accent or even enjoy eating in the nearby carinderia.

Alot of my friends never thought that I can survive UP. I bet they are eating their words now, because I survived it and loved every moment of it. Their impressions of me, being a pa-sosyal Assumptionista who cant take the IKOT jeep and eat fishballs were all wrong. I was the complete opposite. I was the cowboy type and so you can find me eatng in the nearby aristokart with my orgmates over lunch, taking the ikot jeep or even walking to my destination.

These are just some of my moments in UP. Moments that I would always choose to go back to.
My UP story wouldnt be complete without the people who have given meaning to it.
My teachers. My orgmates from FLCD Circle. My brothers and sisters from UP Campus Crusade for Christ. My FLCD family-batchmates, videoke friends, alumni. and my blockmates-who although tease me for being corny and innocent, have been my source of relaxation amidst all the stress.

As I look back at my UP experience, now i understand why God has chosen to put me here.

Speech-less

2005-04-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

I was staring blankly at my computer, wondering what I should write and what i shouldn't write.
You see, i'm in the vacation mode already, and at times, if you are pressured to write something that you will read before a hundred people on your last day in UP..the words just cant seem to come out right.

Surprisingly, i was able to come up with a two-page essay, after a grueling 2 hours infront of my pc.

Tomorrow, as I read it infront of my batchmates, I know that I would partly feel sad but at the same time, grateful because if it weren't for them, my four years in UP wouldnt be as memorable.

:)

Enjoying every moment of my vacation..

2005-04-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

Saturday night..I was stuck at home since I felt that I should at least spend some time at home since I have been going out too often lately...
I was browsing through friendster, and saw that one of my dearest friends, Jamie, had her own blogspot.I checked it out, only to find out that having one was really cool.
I am not really good when it comes to this stuff, and so i sought the help of my cousin, who is super techie. To think that she's only in highschool..
While she was creating my blog, i was simply in awe on how people like her are so gifted when it comes to these things. The only thing I told her was, ill give you my password, ah so you can edit it anytime you feel that mine is so boring. hehehe (what an excuse)

Anyway, here is the product of my cousin's extraordinary skill in blogging.

I love it!

2005-04-16T21:49:00.001-07:00

testing.. 1st entry