It's been four months since I last wrote here..I think about the reasons as to why I havent been writing.

Well, the most obvious reason is that im having a difficulty with the net, since I am just on dial up, and I often end up getting impatient waiting for my pc to connect. Another reason is that I have began writing on my journal notebook for the past months. I found myself doing the old school again- of writing with a pen, flipping every page. It feels good to write again this way, when all these years, ive been so used to blogging. And so there it goes, i have chosen to do the old style once again, which answers the very question as to why I havent been writing here.

So here I am, trying it out for the first time in four months to blog. I take time to think about what to share here..and Ive chosen to write about what I have written in my notebook.

I must say that the past months have been the most crucial moments in my life. What I have gone through these months would forever be etched in my memory. It was during these moments that God enabled me to be so intimate with him, because He used such opportunity to work through me, through my character, exposing every aspect of it. Others going through such would hate it, but surprisingly, I loved every moment of it. I considered it joy to have gone through it.

Early this year, I challenged God to work through my character that I need to be molded in. I knew right there that it was being vulnerable that God wants to deal with me. All my life, i fear being vulnerable. I fear exposing my emotions, I fear expressing because Ive always thought that I was an unemotional person, too afraid to be involved in deeper relationships because I feared I would get hurt. A turtle hiding under his shell would be the best image to illustrate me. Though it was very difficult to ask this from God, that he works through my weakness, I still asked it from Him, because it is only in this way that I will mature and I will be prepared for whatever His plans are for me.

Months passed, until such time, I figured out God has been answering my prayers. I thought he would answer me through my career plans, but No, he didnt. He answered me in my relationships. True, there is no other aspect in my life that I would be most vulnerable, but only through my relationships.

I have always envisioned that I would be in a relationship after I finish my graduate studies. I have always prayed to God that he gives me my God's best, but I end up bargaining that he answers me after i finish my masterals. Funny prayer isn't it? I tell everyone that I trust God's timing, and yet, I end up dictating to God about the perfect timing. Such a foolish act. I have always thought that I have trusted Him with all aspects of my life. I was asking mysef, why is it so hard to surrender to God my love life? Why is it then so easy for me to surrender my career and other plans? Why?

Why? I went through months of processing as to why it was so hard for me to let go and let God work through such aspect of my life. Then and only then I finally admitted that it was because I am a planner which entails that my life in the coming years have already been planned out by ME not by God, but by Me. I tell God my own timing, because I am running away from my very weakness; of being vulnerable. That is the very reason why I keep on putting off the idea of being in a relationship. I was too afraid. Sadly, I wasnt trusting God wholeheartedly that he would walk with me through these fears.

As I processed such things in my life, I can't help but cry in gratefulness because God is reminding me that He wants to step past all my achievements because He wants nothing else but my Heart. He wants to step into the broken, messy places of my heart and begin his work there. He wants me to realize that I have been selfish all these years, not wanting to share the gift of love to others. He has brought me down on my knees and made me experience what it means to give Him nothing, but my Heart.

God chose to work in my unyielding and selfish heart. He used my quiet times as means of comfort and assurance that He will go before me and lead me. He gave me godly people- my pastor, my family, my friends to be His mouthpiece. He showed circumstances that will guide me and provide me direction. He gave his ears as he listened to my endless questions and doubts as to if I am really ready for a relationship, if I am truly equipped for it, if its really His perfect timing. He did not just listen, He gave me and placed his answers both in my heart, soul and mind.

Truly, the proverb, "God gives without sorrow" has been evident in this testimony of mine. I sought God many years ago as I gave him the pen to write my love story. I was in highschool back then. I began waiting. As I was waiting, I asked God to prepare me for my God's best. He prepared me in many ways that I can imagine- spiritually and emotionally. I waited some more. Finally, He answered me at the time that I least expected it. I never planned it. He answered me through a good friendship that I have with a person that I never imagined I would be with. He surprised me all along. He just gave. He gave at the right time, that we were both ready.

At this very moment, I am still overwhelmed as to how God has worked in me and through me. I am so much grateful because I have finally experienced what it means to totally surrender your heart to God. It is liberating. It makes me come alive. I am living life, finally. And Im praising God everyday for it.

To you who gets to read this, this story has not ended yet. God has just began writing my love story.

To you, who once like me has never been in a relationship, because you are still waiting for God's best, I challenge you to wait some more, and as you wait, fall in love with God first, make him your constant date each day, because He is still preparing your God's best as he is preparing you, now:)

To you who like me, is in a relationship for the first time, I must say that waiting on God's timing is the best choice. It may not be the most popular nor accepted choice, but I tell you, it is worth it.

*And oh by the way, I am already on DSL. So I guess, i will get to write more often here **

Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 10:28 AM
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