Finally, here I am, infront of the computer, and writing again. Almost a month since I last wrote a heartfelt entry, many are asking me as to why I havent written again, well for the very reason that I havent really collected my thoughts on what particular experience I intend to write about. Too many experiences that words are not enough to really describe them.

Now, I write about one of the many experiences that have changed my perspective on life.

The past week was but a picture of me riding the rollercoaster. I have never really enjoyed rollercoasters ever since I was young. I dreaded it, I feared it. Ask me to accompany you to any ride and I will even gladly treat you, but ask me to ride the rollercoaster, you can never hear a single YES from me. Because of this, I have declined free tickets to 6 flags, California Adventure and Magic Mountain. Sad isnt' it? I let go of a great experience of thrill, risk and adventure, but yes, I was too scared during those times to behold such.

But last week was a sudden encounter, that I was brought into that "rollercoaster ride" again. A very very good friend left for the U.S to pursue her dreams. Although she has informed me that she has plans, but never did it cross my mind that it will be this soon. She informed me 3 days before her flight, such a short notice indeed. A part of me wanted to discourage her from leaving, but I realized that it was too selfish of me to do that. When months ago, I was even the first one encouraging her to pray for what she really desires, and now, here I am discouraging her. How can i do such, when good friends would want the best for each other....

Before I got to talk to her that night, I knew that I felt queer. I am not my usual self- the happy, the optimistic me. There was this huge thorn in my heart that I can't seem to let go of, no matter how many times I smile, no matter how many times I think of happy thoughts. Still, the overwhelming feeling is there, it doesnt want to go away. This isn't me, I told myself. Oftentimes, when I feel sad, it was easy for me to overcome it, but now, it's different. Is there something wrong in me, I asked.

During our last night together, not a tear fell from my eyes. I was just so happy to see a good friend pursue what she really wants. To hear her say, This is what I really want to do all my life cast out any fears in me as to whether she will be safe there. To hear our friends say, we can always email or chat, reminded me that no matter the distance, if it is really a genuine friendship, you can even be closer. As I hugged Bunny for the last time, I was deeply comforted that I will see her soon, very very soon and that nothing will ever change.

That night while in bed, tears began to fall from my eyes. I tried to wipe it off, but they just kept pouring. I was crying again, after a very long time. I have never cried this much over a friend, maybe because I have never really felt what it means to be left behind, or maybe because it is only now that I am able to truly acknowledge what I feel. Most of the time, I tell myself that I am okay, when in fact I am not. I try to cover up my true feelings because I want others to see how strong I am, but the irony is, strong individuals are those who show their weaknesses.

For the past 22 years of my life, I have never really experienced pain in its deepest sense. Weird isn't it?

I have come to a realization that the reason as to why I cannot be deeply attached to my emotions is because I am afraid to become vulnerable. I once thought that vulnerability is a sign of being weak, and so I go about with life trying to cover up what I truly feel. But it was during these months of stillness in God that I have realized that vulnerability is the "secret side of strength".

God has allowed various encounters in my life these past months -for reasons that Him alone can fully understand, he made me undergo these; to say goodbye to a dear friend, to take the challenges that come with a new job at hand, to share my deepest longings to people who are close to me, to listen to a struggling friend and to comfort a broken hearted individual. These are the priceless encounters that God has allowed me to behold, because I know he wants my heart more than anything. He wants to teach me a life-long lesson: that life isn't perfect after all-the path we take is not always smooth, there will alot of rough and bumps along the way. Why? Because if God made everything so perfect, so ideal, then we will not experience what it is to be truly human.

Through these circumstances, Jesus is indeed speaking to me. He is telling me, "Tanya, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. It is okay to show your weaknesses". Look at me, I cried out of anguish and despair, dying on the cross was a painful experience. I wouldnt want to feel that, but I want to let you know that you matter so much to me. That I am willing to die for you inspite of all the pain. But it was worth it."

Slowly, God is changing my perspective on life. I am used to living with ideals on my head but I am slowly being transformed by God to a wider perspective of life. He is teaching me to open my heart to life lessons-particularly the deeper and painful ones. He is winning my soul, in order that I will be more at home in His lovingkindness.

Thank you Lord. To you, I give my heart. :)



Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 7:42 PM
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