It's been four months since I last wrote here..I think about the reasons as to why I havent been writing.
Well, the most obvious reason is that im having a difficulty with the net, since I am just on dial up, and I often end up getting impatient waiting for my pc to connect. Another reason is that I have began writing on my journal notebook for the past months. I found myself doing the old school again- of writing with a pen, flipping every page. It feels good to write again this way, when all these years, ive been so used to blogging. And so there it goes, i have chosen to do the old style once again, which answers the very question as to why I havent been writing here.
So here I am, trying it out for the first time in four months to blog. I take time to think about what to share here..and Ive chosen to write about what I have written in my notebook.
I must say that the past months have been the most crucial moments in my life. What I have gone through these months would forever be etched in my memory. It was during these moments that God enabled me to be so intimate with him, because He used such opportunity to work through me, through my character, exposing every aspect of it. Others going through such would hate it, but surprisingly, I loved every moment of it. I considered it joy to have gone through it.
Early this year, I challenged God to work through my character that I need to be molded in. I knew right there that it was being vulnerable that God wants to deal with me. All my life, i fear being vulnerable. I fear exposing my emotions, I fear expressing because Ive always thought that I was an unemotional person, too afraid to be involved in deeper relationships because I feared I would get hurt. A turtle hiding under his shell would be the best image to illustrate me. Though it was very difficult to ask this from God, that he works through my weakness, I still asked it from Him, because it is only in this way that I will mature and I will be prepared for whatever His plans are for me.
Months passed, until such time, I figured out God has been answering my prayers. I thought he would answer me through my career plans, but No, he didnt. He answered me in my relationships. True, there is no other aspect in my life that I would be most vulnerable, but only through my relationships.
I have always envisioned that I would be in a relationship after I finish my graduate studies. I have always prayed to God that he gives me my God's best, but I end up bargaining that he answers me after i finish my masterals. Funny prayer isn't it? I tell everyone that I trust God's timing, and yet, I end up dictating to God about the perfect timing. Such a foolish act. I have always thought that I have trusted Him with all aspects of my life. I was asking mysef, why is it so hard to surrender to God my love life? Why is it then so easy for me to surrender my career and other plans? Why?
Why? I went through months of processing as to why it was so hard for me to let go and let God work through such aspect of my life. Then and only then I finally admitted that it was because I am a planner which entails that my life in the coming years have already been planned out by ME not by God, but by Me. I tell God my own timing, because I am running away from my very weakness; of being vulnerable. That is the very reason why I keep on putting off the idea of being in a relationship. I was too afraid. Sadly, I wasnt trusting God wholeheartedly that he would walk with me through these fears.
As I processed such things in my life, I can't help but cry in gratefulness because God is reminding me that He wants to step past all my achievements because He wants nothing else but my Heart. He wants to step into the broken, messy places of my heart and begin his work there. He wants me to realize that I have been selfish all these years, not wanting to share the gift of love to others. He has brought me down on my knees and made me experience what it means to give Him nothing, but my Heart.
God chose to work in my unyielding and selfish heart. He used my quiet times as means of comfort and assurance that He will go before me and lead me. He gave me godly people- my pastor, my family, my friends to be His mouthpiece. He showed circumstances that will guide me and provide me direction. He gave his ears as he listened to my endless questions and doubts as to if I am really ready for a relationship, if I am truly equipped for it, if its really His perfect timing. He did not just listen, He gave me and placed his answers both in my heart, soul and mind.
Truly, the proverb, "God gives without sorrow" has been evident in this testimony of mine. I sought God many years ago as I gave him the pen to write my love story. I was in highschool back then. I began waiting. As I was waiting, I asked God to prepare me for my God's best. He prepared me in many ways that I can imagine- spiritually and emotionally. I waited some more. Finally, He answered me at the time that I least expected it. I never planned it. He answered me through a good friendship that I have with a person that I never imagined I would be with. He surprised me all along. He just gave. He gave at the right time, that we were both ready.
At this very moment, I am still overwhelmed as to how God has worked in me and through me. I am so much grateful because I have finally experienced what it means to totally surrender your heart to God. It is liberating. It makes me come alive. I am living life, finally. And Im praising God everyday for it.
To you who gets to read this, this story has not ended yet. God has just began writing my love story.
To you, who once like me has never been in a relationship, because you are still waiting for God's best, I challenge you to wait some more, and as you wait, fall in love with God first, make him your constant date each day, because He is still preparing your God's best as he is preparing you, now:)
To you who like me, is in a relationship for the first time, I must say that waiting on God's timing is the best choice. It may not be the most popular nor accepted choice, but I tell you, it is worth it.
*And oh by the way, I am already on DSL. So I guess, i will get to write more often here **
Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 10:28 AM
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Just when I was randomly scanning my email, I was surprised to read this particular mail....
Dear Participant,
We have the pleasure to inform you that your essay has been rated by the juries as one of the 100 best in the International Essay Competition 2006.Congratulations!This year we have received as many as 1950 submissions from 136 countries all over the world. We congratulate you on your success and wish you all the best for the future!Best regards,Anna KuznickaDevelopment Policy DialogueWorld Bank, External Affairs
A big surprise indeed! I never expected this. I was more than content that I was able to submit my essay last April. I was more than grateful that I was able to take part in this competition. More than the results, what I deeply value are the realizations that I have learned in the process of taking upon this challenge. Truly, the experience was worth it:)
To everyone who prayed for me, Thank you so much.
To God be the glory:)
Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 6:51 AM
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Finally, here I am, infront of the computer, and writing again. Almost a month since I last wrote a heartfelt entry, many are asking me as to why I havent written again, well for the very reason that I havent really collected my thoughts on what particular experience I intend to write about. Too many experiences that words are not enough to really describe them.
Now, I write about one of the many experiences that have changed my perspective on life.
The past week was but a picture of me riding the rollercoaster. I have never really enjoyed rollercoasters ever since I was young. I dreaded it, I feared it. Ask me to accompany you to any ride and I will even gladly treat you, but ask me to ride the rollercoaster, you can never hear a single YES from me. Because of this, I have declined free tickets to 6 flags, California Adventure and Magic Mountain. Sad isnt' it? I let go of a great experience of thrill, risk and adventure, but yes, I was too scared during those times to behold such.
But last week was a sudden encounter, that I was brought into that "rollercoaster ride" again. A very very good friend left for the U.S to pursue her dreams. Although she has informed me that she has plans, but never did it cross my mind that it will be this soon. She informed me 3 days before her flight, such a short notice indeed. A part of me wanted to discourage her from leaving, but I realized that it was too selfish of me to do that. When months ago, I was even the first one encouraging her to pray for what she really desires, and now, here I am discouraging her. How can i do such, when good friends would want the best for each other....
Before I got to talk to her that night, I knew that I felt queer. I am not my usual self- the happy, the optimistic me. There was this huge thorn in my heart that I can't seem to let go of, no matter how many times I smile, no matter how many times I think of happy thoughts. Still, the overwhelming feeling is there, it doesnt want to go away. This isn't me, I told myself. Oftentimes, when I feel sad, it was easy for me to overcome it, but now, it's different. Is there something wrong in me, I asked.
During our last night together, not a tear fell from my eyes. I was just so happy to see a good friend pursue what she really wants. To hear her say,
This is what I really want to do all my life cast out any fears in me as to whether she will be safe there. To hear our friends say,
we can always email or chat, reminded me that no matter the distance, if it is really a genuine friendship, you can even be closer. As I hugged Bunny for the last time, I was deeply comforted that I will see her soon, very very soon and that nothing will ever change.
That night while in bed, tears began to fall from my eyes. I tried to wipe it off, but they just kept pouring. I was crying again, after a very long time. I have never cried this much over a friend, maybe because I have never really felt what it means to be left behind, or maybe because it is only now that I am able to truly acknowledge what I feel. Most of the time, I tell myself that I am okay, when in fact I am not. I try to cover up my true feelings because I want others to see how strong I am, but the irony is, strong individuals are those who show their weaknesses.
For the past 22 years of my life, I have never really experienced pain in its deepest sense. Weird isn't it?
I have come to a realization that the reason as to why I cannot be deeply attached to my emotions is because I am afraid to become vulnerable. I once thought that vulnerability is a sign of being weak, and so I go about with life trying to cover up what I truly feel. But it was during these months of stillness in God that I have realized that vulnerability is the "
secret side of strength". God has allowed various encounters in my life these past months -for reasons that Him alone can fully understand, he made me undergo these; to say goodbye to a dear friend, to take the challenges that come with a new job at hand, to share my deepest longings to people who are close to me, to listen to a struggling friend and to comfort a broken hearted individual. These are the priceless encounters that God has allowed me to behold, because I know he wants my heart more than anything. He wants to teach me a life-long lesson: that life isn't perfect after all-the path we take is not always smooth, there will alot of rough and bumps along the way. Why? Because if God made everything so perfect, so ideal, then we will not experience what it is to be truly human.
Through these circumstances, Jesus is indeed speaking to me. He is telling me, "
Tanya, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. It is okay to show your weaknesses". Look at me, I cried out of anguish and despair, dying on the cross was a painful experience. I wouldnt want to feel that, but I want to let you know that you matter so much to me. That I am willing to die for you inspite of all the pain. But it was worth it."Slowly, God is changing my perspective on life. I am used to living with ideals on my head but I am slowly being transformed by God to a wider perspective of life. He is teaching me to open my heart to life lessons-particularly the deeper and painful ones. He is winning my soul, in order that I will be more at home in His lovingkindness.
Thank you Lord. To you, I give my heart. :)
Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 7:42 PM
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When I least expected it....I received an email stating this...
Dear Ms. Franco:
This is an automated e-mail to update you on the status of your evaluation. Your evaluation was mailed on June 06, 2006. It was sent via UPS.
Sincerely,
International Education Research Foundation (IERF)Thank you to everyone who prayed for this. Ultimately, I give thanks to God for He has enlarged me in the process of waiting.
To those who are wondering if this means that I will be leaving anytime soon, the answer is NO...rather, not yet. This is just the beginning of many other things yet to be accomplished in order to pursue my masterals. A long way to go...I'm both excited and fearful but a part of me is more than excited to fulfill one of my hearts' desires:)
A little surprise, indeed. God can surprise you in moments you least expect it. He answers your prayers, may they be the ones you've prayed for months ago, or the ones you have beenpraying for all your life. What really counts more than the prayer that was answered is that you have become a trusting and patient person...a better you, truly:)
Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 9:40 AM
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1. Waking up early in the morning
2. Eating oatmeal and bread during breakfast
3. Driving to anywhere
4. Driving alone
5. Driving with alot of passengers in the car
6. Foot spa
7. A good massage
8. A cup of tea
9. UCC-specifically at the Fort "Irashimayse"
10. Crepes and creme
11. Walking
12. Playing ultimate frisbee
13. Road trips
14. Checking emails
15. Uploading pics in my multiply site
16. Leaving comments in my friends' blog site and multiply site
17. Beach
18. Playing frisbee in the sand
19. Nurture Spa at Tagaytay
20. F-17 highschool barkada
21. Xaijua (college barkada)
22. Reading any kind of material-books, magazines, articles, research stuff
23. Reading on my bed with my lamp turned on
24. Good conversations
25. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf
26. Friends who texts me every once in awhile to just ask how I am doing
27.Driving for others
28. Chinese dimsum
29. Travelling to any island in the Philippines
30. Buying gifts
31. Writing on my journal
32. Updating my blog
33. Watching the sunset
34. Taking pictures
35. Having my picture taken hehehe
36. Arce Dairy buco sherbet
37. Going to midweek with friends
38. Going around the villages and checking out homes
39. Teaching children how to play sports
40. Storytelling
41. Coloring
42. Listening
43. Cheesecake
44. Receiving a phone call from close friends
45. Bible studies
46. Praying for people that I care for
47. Morning quiet time
48. Driving around U.P.
49. Talking to my relatives abroad
50. Looking through "My Pictures" album
51. gummiworms
52. gummibears
53. tamarind
54. smooth hands
55. hymnals
56. bossanova
57. jazz music
58. flipflops
59. sunbathing
60. long drives
61. Boracay
62. Banana boat
63. Guimaras island
64. Laluz
65.New Jersey
65. taking the path from New Jersery to New York
66. Travelling alone (well at times)
67. Travelling with family (well at times too hehehe)
68. snow globe
69. coffee jelly
70. buco pie
71. filipino delicacies
72. SUV vehicles
73. riding bumpcars
74. tabletennis
75. basketball
76. raindrops
77. wearing jackets
78. when i see trees meet midway along a pathway
79. UP Sunken garden
80. fishballs
81. fisball sauce
82. vegetables
83. fruits
84. yogourt
85. being on time
86. a full gas tank
87. pandecoco
88. taking balikbayans around Manila
89. Rome
90. posing infront of the Tower of Pisa
91. UNIV memories
92. blogging
93. taking pictures
94. studying in the library
95. Visiting Bookstores
95. Visiting recordbars
96. treating others to free meals
97. saying corny hirits and jokes
98. making other people laugh
99. walking by the shore
100.Bellflower, California
101.Old Pasadena
102. Sharing the gospel to others
103. being mentored
104. counselling others
105. being counselled
106. being prayed for
107. fellowship
108. discipleship groups
109. videoke
110. Making gourmet sandwiches
111. Santi's deli store
112. Halo-halo
113. composing
114. teaching kids
115. writing
116. smiling
Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 10:27 AM
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Not everyone likes waiting in line. Many of which would easily complain when five minutes have passed and still, no one has even moved.
Not everyone likes being stuck in traffic. It is no joke to be seated for thirty minutes or so, wiping the heat off your face, looking every second to your watch, wishing that somehow you have left the house a minute earlier.
Not everyone likes waiting for someone. Many of us are guilty of this. When the meeting is set for 3:00, we leave the house at 3:00. And when our dear friend calls us and asks where we are, we simply say, "Oh, Sorry, I'm still on my way". And yes, our dear friend cannot do anything but wait some more, spend another few bucks for coffee just so she/he will not be accused of loitering in that coffee shop.
Waiting is one of the hardest things to do especially for individuals who have grown accustomed to a very busy life. It is like feeding a vegetarian with bread, he knows for a fact tha he needs bread, it is good food, yet it would take him such a long time to discern if he is ready to take that staple food back to his system. Simply put, a very busy person who is so used to a life of tasks and service, when asked to pause for awhile, would bargain to the point of questioning, if he really needs time for rest. A basic question that requires the simplest answers, but to others, it is one of life's hardest questions to answer.
I see myself in this illustration.Growing up, I've been exposed to various activities, both school and extra-curricular ones. It was through these opportunities that I have discovered my God given gifts and I have met wonderful people who have given me all the encouragement I need in my chosen endeavors.
Highschool, College, and work life. Through these experiences, The various encounters that I have experienced made mre realize the things that I desire. Training and Teaching, Serving and Ministering. Four words that tell alot about my passions in life. Four words that describe what I have been doing for the past 22 years.
With these passions, I was able to challenge myself to things that I have never done before in my life. It was indeed a joyous experience to do something that makes your heart leap all the time.
But it was this year that God made me realize something...
That somehow, amidst all the busyness, there are instances when you overlook the real purpose of why you are doing things. We do at times confuse the hands with our hearts. I was talking to our bible study leader one night, He asked me, "Tanya, when you do something, are you doing it with your heart or is it purely with your hands?". I asked him back, "Bro, Can you explain it to me thoroughly?". He then said, "When you give your hands, that is is service. You use the gifts that you know you are good at. But when you use your heart, it is giving your whole self without any pretense, it is doing what you really long to do. It is not doing something as a mere cover up for your deepest longings. ". He ended by asking, "Tanya, you think about it deeply. then you share it to me". I knew from that moment, that God has used such godly person to make me realize deeper issues in my life.
I have not been this so intimate with God. My intimacy before hails from issues that I believe are very trivial. I believe that my time is now, to fully realize the meaning of Trust and Patience. Yes, in the past I have trusted God and waited patiently for things that I believe are way simpler than compared to what I am praying for now. Years ago, I was waiting for God's plans as to whether I will pass a test or not, or whether an organization event will push through or not. Simple things, indeed. But now, I have learned that as I grow older, I am being more exposed to the reality of life, to the deeper issues that go with it.
It is only now that I have truly experienced intimacy with God to the nth level. God has used my situation now to make me see that it is only Him that I need. That all my aspirations, needs, wants and desires are according to His will and not mine.
Everyday, I hear the Lord telling me, "Tanya, one at a time. Let's do one thing slowly. Your work now may be different from what you have been doing before. Or your life now has allowed you to sleep more than 4 hours each day. And you have learned to focus on things you should have been focusing on yet were too busy. Hear me out on this. I am with you, my child. Trust me." I always assure myself that yes, though I may not know God's purpose in all of these, but I hold unto his promise that He has the best things kept for his children.
For someone like me, who has been used to a very busy lifestyle. School, Work, Social Life, Fellowship and Ministry, when subjected to a life that is robbed off such demands, is but a pictue of someone being left alone in a desert. For others, it could be a lonely journey towards the source of water. But for me, I see it differently.
I see God's hand upon this journey of mine. Though it may be tiresome at times to just be waiting, still deep in my heart, there is this peace that transcends all misunderstandings and doubts. That though I still do not know how soon the evaluation of my documents for masterals abroad will be deliverd to me, and that though I am still trying to adjust to a life of a research assistant and that though I miss teaching preschool so badly...Still, deep in my heart I know that God has something better waiting for me...and that He will never leave me.
The picture of being stuck in the desert and in the crossroads, not knowing where to go, never entered my mind. Instead, I have this picture of a stream of living water flowing into this vast land, where I am trekking each day, discovering each step that leads to the promised land that God has set forth for me.
This is waiting. No uncertainites, No worries. Just pure joy:)
Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 1:24 AM
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Finalists have been selected! Nicola Limodio, Italy; Geoffrey See, Singapore; Cauam Ferreira Cardoso, Brazil; Sarita Bahety, Nepal; Jefferson Agbai, Ghana; Ankai Xu, China; Mansour Hamza, France (national of Niger). One more finalist will be announced on May 5. Congratulations
Still, I am the most grateful person even if I did not bag this contest. A good friend of mine told me, "Tanya, may 1 pang finalist to be announced. sana ikaw yun". I told her: "Hmm...sana nga, but it doesnt matter to me at all. The experience in itself is the best prize I have received".
Again, Thank you to all those who prayed for me and who supported me with this endeavor of mine:)
Thank you God because you have allowed me to use your gifts for your glory, and more importantly, you have made me the most trusting person ever:)
Tanya Wrote On The Sand At 8:21 PM
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